The Great Debate

Had the great debate between George Bush and Saddam Hussein actually taken place in 2003 here’s how it would have gone down:

Tuesday February 25, 2003 – The United Nations

Tony Blair, moderator: Welcome to the first televised debate between George W. Bush and Saddam Hussein, live from United Nations headquarters in New York. We will begin with a brief opening statement from each of you.

Bush: First of all I would just like to welcome my evil friend to the UN, one of the great American institutions for the propulsion and impregnification of freedom throughout the world.

Saddam: Thank you, Satan. I hope that in today’s debate we may find some common ground between the Iraqi people’s commitment to harmony, peace and human progress and America’s desire to destroy the Middle East.

Bush: Do I answer that? Should I answer that? I’m just a good ‘ole boy an’ I don’t know how these things go, but from where I come from that’s just a gross misrepresentationalism and exasperation of the truth…

Blair: Excuse me, Mr. President, but  “these things” go like this – I ask the questions.  The first question is quite simply this: do you have any links with al-Qaida?

Bush: No I do not.

Blair: The question is for Mr. Hussein.

Saddam: As I told Mr. Tony Blaine clearly and simply, if I had links with al-Qaida and I enjoyed those links and I was profiting in some way from those links then I would not be ashamed to tell the world of these links, but since I am ashamed to tell the world of this, it follows that I have no such links.

Bush: Neither do I!

Blair: The second question is for President Bush.
President Bush, if America and Iraq were to go to war tomorrow, who would win?

Bush: That’s easy. America…

Saddam: Yes, America. Even I knew that one.

Bush: Because America sits in the path of rightiousness and we stand for freedom. We are a diverse nation because we can sit and stand at the same time. And our ability to stand alone, and sit, comes from the hearts and souls of too blue American people, Americans like Mr. Blair here, people who are willing to love their neighbor, just like they would like to love themselves…

Blair: Your two minutes are up.

Bush: Well that may be but this great United American States of Americans are on the side of rightliness and Americanity, against a… a… malodorous Axis of Evil made up of Iraq, North Korea and… how many are in a axis? 

Blair: I think you’re allowed as many as you like.

Bush: OK, Iraq, North Korea and France!

Saddam: France?

Blair: France?

Bush: Who am I thinking of then? Irania?

Blair: Let’s move on. Saddam, are you willing to destroy your stockpile of Samoud 2 missiles in accordance with UN weapons inspectors’ orders?

Saddam: I explain to you now that if Iraq possessed these so-called weapons, we would never destroy them, but since we do not have any such weapons and we never have, we are happy to comply, even though these non-existent weapons certainly do not exceed the prescribed range of 150 kms. I’ve even tested them myself, and we don’t have any.

Blair: The final question is for George Bush. Mr President, is there any way that Saddam Hussein can avoid war, and what steps must he now take in order to reach a negotiated solution?

Bush: Now listen to me. It’s very simple. First Saddam must compile 200% with the UN inspectorers, and I mean activated compilation, not passivist negridation.
Second, he must disarm fully, in keeping with UN revelation 1441 and the next one, I believe its 1442, which will require him to disarm even more fully than what I have just stated. Then he must destroy all Samoud missiles and any other weapons of mass destruction he has found, or not found, to be in possessive of, without being asked, even though I’m telling you. Finally, there is one more task he must perform, which I am not at liberty to indulge. And even that will not be enough.

Blair: Thank you, Mr. President. The translator would like to take your answer home with him and work on it over the weekend.

Bush: Fine, but we require nothing less than total disarmature.

Saddam: Yes, Disarmature!

Blair: I’m sorry, but I’m not sure that "disarmature" is a word.

Bush: Well, by “disarmature” I don’t mean he must cut off his own arms. But this here is an evil man. He has cut the arms off many of his own Iraqiian citizens. But I will tell you now that I would be proud to shake the hand of any brave Iraqiian citizen who had his arms cut off.

Saddam: Disarmature, Yes! We will take down all our armatures! We are a peaceful people…

Bush: You know, you remind me of a cowardly hunter who shoots the pigeon of peace, or is it the dove of peace? Well, you know, there’s a saying where I come from, ‘a bird in the stone is worth two…hunters…hunting and it’s the birds that’s supposed to suffer, not the hunter.’

Saddam: Mr. Blair, What is he talking about? Mr. Blair?

Blair: Hmmm… Did you know that an anagram for ‘Saddam Hussein’ is ‘I demand Sushi’?

Saddam: What is this ‘Sushi’?

Forwarded by Perry Burns