The week that was (04-06-2018)

While a Milwaukee pastor was delivering his Easter sermon to his congregation a thief broke into his SUV and stole his bible.

An Easter performance of the Passion of Christ was all too real for a member of the audience member in Brazil. Taking matters into his own hands he whacked the actor playing a Roman soldier with his motorcycle helmet to rescue Jesus from the cross.

For the first time in modern history, the murder rate in London surpassed that of New York.

A South Carolina congressman pulled out a loaded .38-caliber Smith & Wesson handgun during a meeting with his constituents on Friday.

The Pennsylvania Department of Transportation was called out to rescue two goats stuck on a bridge.

photo credit: U2 pilot selfie with Northern Lights

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The week that was (03-30-2018)

The Governor of Utah signed a bill ordering Utah’s Department of Agriculture and Food to grow medical-grade cannabis for terminally ill patients.

It was a slow news day in Arizona on Monday so a Phoenix TV station decided to do an epic 90-minute livestream of a cat stuck on a pole.

Linda Brown from Brown vs. Board of Education died at age 76.

Two Chinese companies are now offering cars that they can 3D print in just three days for under $10k.

Another Chinese company has teamed up with Ford to offer five different model cars via a vending machine and mobile app.

Scientists have managed to build a bio-computer made of living human cells.

Maserati and Ferrari teamed up to build an SUV that can go from 0-60 in 3.7 seconds and do a top speed of more than 180 mph.

Alexo Athletica announced a new yoga pant that features a pocket where you can carry a small pistol.

Stormy Daniels had her much anticipated interview on 60 Minutes which set off a renewed debate over which magazine was used for the famous spanking.

Chinese startup 32Teeth has combined facial recognition and big data analysis to create a connected toothbrush that, “offers precise identification of 16 tooth surface cleanliness levels and analyzes users’ brushing activity data.” Oh, and you mine cryptocurrency while you brush your teeth too.

Last week a 3-year old was killed by a stray bullet from an AK-47. This week a 73-year old collapsed at her kitchen table, shot by her neighbor who obviously needs more target practice.

“I am not bitter. I was upset at first but mistakes happen,” said Richard Phillips upon being released after 45 years in prison for a crime he didn’t commit.

A Georgia woman drove her SUV into a concrete pole to prove to her children that God was real.

With two goalies out on injury, the Chicago Blackhawks had to reach deep into their bench to come up with an emergency goalkeeper. Scott Foster is an accountant by day and the last time he played a competitive game was in 2005.

Opening Day for the Miami Marlins didn’t start out so well.  The first pitch of the season resulted in a home run.

After multiple failed tries, ‘Mad’ Mike Hughes, the 61-year old retired limo driver from Apple Valley, California finally launched himself into the air on his steam-powered rocket made from a modified RV. “I’m tired of people saying I chickened out and didn’t build a rocket. I’m tired of that stuff. I manned up and did it,” said Hughes. While he made it up to 2,000 feet, it wasn’t high enough for him to complete his mission and prove the earth is flat.

Photo credit – The Atlantic

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The week that was (03-23-2018)

A Romanian court ruled that a 63-year-old man is dead despite what would appear to be convincing evidence to the contrary: the man himself appeared alive and well in court. The court told him he was too late and would have to remain officially deceased.

In an effort to save money, the US Navy’s new Virginia-class submarines have replaced the clunky joysticks that used to control their periscopes with a more readily available (and familiar) XBox controller.

Another week, another pet mishap by United Airlines, this one narrowly averted. A flight turned around before reaching its destination once it was discovered the pet was on the wrong flight. Better to inconvenience the passengers on the flight than to suffer another unflattering story in the press. By Tuesday, United announced a temporary suspension to all pet transport.

Ford Motor recalled 1.4 million cars because loose bolts could allow the steering wheel to come off. Unfortunately, these cars are not yet able to take over and drive themselves.

The last male northern white rhino passed away. Scientists efforts to keep the species alive now turn to in vitro fertilization with the last two female northern white rhinos. (photo by @amivitale)

Charles Lazarus, the founder of Toys-R-Us died this week, just one week after the company he founded announced it was closing its doors for good.

Bozo the Clown passed away. Frank Avruch, who played Bozo from 1959-1970 died at 89.

Naomi found an interesting looking rock while digging around in the dirt during her older sister’s soccer game. This week she found out that it was a rare, 65 million-year-old fossil.

For the first time, the French ate more hamburgers than ham-and-butter baguettes.

Sherpas in Nepal removed 200,000 lbs of trash from Mount Everest. The mounds of trash included empty bottles of Tuborg beer, food cans, torn tents, empty oxygen bottles and even bodies of expired hikers.

CryptoKitties, an cryptocurrency-powered collectible game, received an investment of $12 million with high profile VC firms Andreessen Horowitz and Union Square Ventures leading a funding round.

Mexico launched a cryptocurrency backed by habanero peppers.

The design for the new post-Brexit British passports was announced. They will be made in France.

A 3-year old was accidentally shot by her grandmother as she was cleaning her AK-47.

Dramatic aerial video shows how Kenya’s Rift Valley is living up to its name.

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The week that was (03-16-2018)

We lost a great mind this week. In all the stories of Stephen Hawking’s life, my favorite was the detail that he used to run his wheelchair over the toes of people he didn’t like.

Mining cryptocurrency generates a lot of heat in the computers that are doing the computations. One French company decided to take advantage of the excess heat and sell them as “plug-and-mine” heaters.

A plane in Russia had a bumpy talkoff, lost it’s rear door and proceeded to dump $368 million in gold bars and diamonds all over the runway and 16 miles of desolate countryside Siberia.

Canada announced that they have hired their first female head of the mounties. Brenda Lucki, will take over as commissioner of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police in mid-April.

Those people that steal your delivered boxes off your front doorstep? They have a name now, they’re called “porch pirates.”

Walmart filed a patent for robotic bees.

A giant, yellow, inflatable rubber duck escaped from western coast of Australia.

Google Japan released Google Street View from a dog’s perspective. This follows up a 2015 project when they released Google Street View in Hiroshima from at cat’s perspective.

Japan’s Sanrio announced that a Hello Kitty bullet train will start operating this Summer on the Osaka-Fukuoka route. This will join ANA’s Pokemon Jet which has it’s own website lovingly laid out in Comic Sans.

A hippo was discovered living in a pond in Southern Mexico. No one knows how it got there but the residents of the town have come to love the animal so much they have nicknamed it “Tyson.”

The Swindles were moving from Oregon to Kansas and took a United flight with their 10-year-old German shepherd Irgo in the hold. When they went to pick up their dog in Kansas City, a Great Dane was there instead. United mixed up the two and sent Irgo on a 16-hour flight to Japan. Apparently United has a pretty poor record for pet transportation.

The New Zealand post has a much better record. They successfully delivered a package addressed to, “Kay and Philip, on a farm, situated up a long drive with cows, opposite Cust pub or thereabouts”

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The week that was (03-09-2018)

The big storm that hit the East Coast brought down a 227-year old tree planted by George Washington.

The Florida state Senate can’t seem to agree on banning assault weapons but it took them less than a minute to pass the Sunshine Protection Act which bans Daylight Saving Time in the state of Florida.

Colorado state law permits lawmakers to carry concealed weapons into the state Capitol because it’s their place of business. In fear for their safety, two lawmakers now wear bulletproof vests to work.

A restaurant in Pasadena has turned over burger flipping duties to a $60,000 robot.

The Vatican announced that it’s hosting a hackathon.

A toddler in China managed to lock his mom’s iPhone after numerous failed attempts to guess the PIN. Thanks to a feature which increases the lockup period after each unsuccessful attempt, the phone will remain locked for the next 47 years.

The world’s oldest known message in a bottle was found half-buried on a West Australian beach nearly 132 years after it was into the Indian Ocean.

The Utah State Bar has opened an internal investigation to figure out how a photo of a topless woman was included in an email sent to all state lawyers.

Costco is selling a $6,000 “doomsday-prepper” food kit that can feed a family of 4 for a year.

Goodyear unveiled a eco-friendly tire concept at the Geneva Motor Show that features moss that inhales carbon dioxide from the air and converts it into oxygen.

As part of a settlement with the US Government, Martin Shkreli turned over the only known copy of Wu-Tang Clan’s album “Once Upon a Time in Shaolin” (which he bought for $2 million). No word on what the feds will do with it but he’s not going to take it to jail.

A suspected drunk driver fleeing police jumped out of his car to make a fast getaway but his car thought better of it and ran him over.

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The week that was (03-02-2018)

Multiple businesses discontinued special discounts for members of the NRA. Companies included several rental car companies, Delta and United Airlines, and Walmart.

The World Peace and Unification Sanctuary (yes, that one) in Pennsylvania churchgoers brought their AR-15s to a wedding ceremony.

“Excessive flatulence” led to an emergency landing this week for a flight in Europe. The Dubai-Amsterdam flight was diverted to Vienna after a fight broke out.

An Apple repair center outside of Sacramento has been warned after devices from that location were found to be excessively calling 9-1-1; over 1600 times.

Barbara Streisand revealed that her two puppies, Miss Violet and Miss Scarlett, are actually clones of her previous dog, Samantha, that died last year.

Traffic was held up in Moreno Valley, California by three men who set up a full-sized trampoline session.

Nineteen dealers in Kenya were arrested for defying the recently imposed ban on plastic bags. The raid targeted individuals hoarding the plastic bags and selling them late at night.

In Japan a tomato grower was arrested for stealing 160 Chinese cabbages from a nearby field.

A computer algorithm trained to spot errors in legal contracts beat a team of twenty lawyers in a competition to spot errors in five non-disclosure agreements (NDAs).

The Financial Services Information Sharing and Analysis Center, an industry organization responsible for sharing data about cybersecurity and phishing attacks, was hacked by a phishing attack.

Hanwha Systems in Korea announced that they are working on a new weapons system that would use artificial intelligence to “search for and eliminate targets without human control.” Why I think this is a very bad idea.

Vancouver police are asking for “volunteer drinkers” to get drunk on the police department’s dime. They need subjects to train their new recruits on how to conduct a sobriety test.

A boy in China was plunged into darkness and trapped in an elevator after pissing all over the buttons.

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The week that was (02-23-2018)

Fergie brought down the house at the NBA All-Star Game with her jazzy rendition of the national anthem. Not in a good way.

As an undergraduate at UC Berkeley she lost to Arnold Schwarzenegger to be governor of California. Now Elizabeth Swaney hacked the qualification rules for the Olympics and made it into the the Ladies Ski Halfpipe to add another skill to her LinkedIn profile.

A second Russian athlete was busted for doping. Nadezhda Sergeeva, who was photographed earlier this month wearing an “I don’t do doping” sweatshirt.

Scientists at Bayer invented an onion that doesn’t make you cry.

In a sign of the times, the makers of Lucky Charms breakfast cereal are retiring the antiquitated hourglass charm and replacing it with a unicorn.

Apple’s new corporate headquarters officially opened at their new “spaceship” campus. The miles of curved glass walls are spotless of course but the problem is, people keep running into them.

This individual will moderate one of the debates in the upcoming Pennsylvania governor’s race. Who is Alex Trebek, the host of the TV game show Jeopardy!

Police in Argentina arrested six people for running a cocaine smuggling operation out of the basement of the Russian Embassy.

A nation sick of inaction over last week’s shooting took matters into their own hands to cut off one source of funding and political influence. While #boycottNRA trended on Twitter, multiple companies announced an end to special discounts for NRA members.

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The week that was (02-16-2018)

Children were shot down and murdered in cold blood. Thoughts & Prayers trended on social media.

An Arizona woman has been diagnosed with Foreign Accent Syndrome, a rare condition that causes her to switch accents.

Parents at a school in Japan asked the school scale back on the budget for their new $800 uniforms. The school had hired Armani.

The leather-bound book titled Gaines Universal Register or American and British Kalendar for the year 1793 has been checked out too often from the Schenectady Union College library. Tucked inside archivists discovered an envelope containing a few strands of hair from George Washington.

Scientists in Bolivia, desperate to raise awareness for the last known living male Sehuencas water frog created a match.com profile to find him a mate.

The Chinese military has re-assigned 60,000 troops to plant trees.

Lions in South Africa fought back and ate an illegal poacher in Kruger National Park. All that remained was a loaded rifle and his head.

A scientist at Oxford won awards for his photo of a single atom.

A Texas man man was unsuccessful in appealing a DWI conviction after he argued that the state’s legal threshold for intoxication “unfairly discriminates against alcoholics.”

First it was 16-year old Jack Bergeson. Then a couple more teenagers. Finally this week a dog is now running to be the next Governor of Kansas.

Clever Moscow residents have found a way to force a reluctant city government to clear record snow that is clogging their streets. They write the name of opposition leader Alexei Navalny on piles of it.

We learned that the entire Finnish Olympic squad in Pyeongchang is knitting a blanket for the presidential couple’s newborn son.

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The week that was (2-9-2018)

The Crisco didn’t work so well last time so Philadelphia city workers tried something else to keep the sports fans from climbing the city lamp posts, hydraulic fluid. It didn’t work.

Boston University lost their bet with Temple University so BU students will be eating Philly Cheese Steaks under a banner congratulating the Eagles on their Super Bowl victory.

Budweiser honored its bet with Eagles offensive lineman Lane Johnson and bought Bud Light for the everyone at the Eagles Super Bowl parade.

A Florida man who was missing at sea was found after 16 days of subsisting on Doritos and cookies.

Headline of the Week award goes to Inverse for “Flat Earther’s Rocket Launch Fails Spectacularly, Disappointing Tens”

Police in Scotland had a tense, 45-minute stand-off with a tiger until they discovered it was a stuffed animal.

In Mexico, someone tried to send a live tiger cub through express mail.

Remember the emotional support peacock from last week? This week a college student was told by Spirit Airlines at the gate that her pet hamster, Pebbles, would not be allowed onboard her flight so she flushed him down the toilet.

Ever sensible Finland started wheels turning for the EU to evaluate the repeal of Daylight Savings Time.

Japanese scientists were at it again. Apparently chemicals found in McDonald’s french fries stimulates hair growth.

Sensing opportunity with the legalization of recreational pot in California, one enterprising Girl Scout sold over 300 boxes of cookies in six hours outside of a San Diego pot dispensary. All for a good cause?

A self-driving truck drove itself 2,400 miles from Los Angeles to Jacksonville.

The US Army is now training with unmanned robots that shoot .50-caliber bullets from a machine gun.

The Norwegian Olympic team in South Korea misused Google Translate and ended up taking delivery of 15,000 eggs.

The Winter Olympics skating competitions kicked off in Korea with a dreadful Paul Anka cover of Wonderwall.

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The week that was (2-2-2018)

Pastor Mack Wolford from the Full Gospel Apostolic House of the Lord Jesus was killed by the timber rattlesnake that was a common prop in his sermons.

Scott Tilley, an amateur radio astronomer, discovered a satellite that NASA thought they had lost in 2005. It appears to have been actively transmitting data all along.

Thieves in Germany stole two trucks and made off with almost 50 tons, of chocolate. Further South, police outside of Seville, Spain recovered four tons of oranges.

Tickets to the President Trump’s State of the Union speech had a typo and had to be reprinted.

A woman at Newark Airport was denied a seat on a United Airlines flight for her pet which she claimed had a right to bring on board as her emotional support animal. The pet was a peacock.

Two cops in Toronto raided a marijuana dispensary and sampled some of the evidence. The edibles did not show any adverse effects so they ate more, and then some more. Then the drugs kicked in.

Students in New Jersey raised over $5,000 to send their school bus driver, “Mr. Gary” and his wife to the Minnesota to see his favorite team, the Eagles, play in the Super Bowl this weekend.

Robert Meilhammer, out hunting geese, had to be airlifted to a hospital when one of the birds shot out of the sky hit him and knocked him unconscious.

A Northern California woman listed as missing when she stopped updating her social media accounts turned up on national TV in an episode of The Bachelor.

Michael Ryder in Michigan started to receive unemployment checks this week. Michael is a dog.

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