The week that was (06-08-2018)

Researchers recommended that humming the Spanish dance song Macarena while performing CPR will help keep you on rhythm.

Renovators discovered secret diary written by a worker on the underside of the floorboards at a French chateau uncovered a tale of infidelity and infanticide and gave historians a unique record of village life in the 1880s.

A flight from the Netherlands to Gran Canaria in Spain was diverted for an emergency landing due to a single man’s overpowering smell described as, “chemical weapons-grade stench.”

All flights out of Houston’s Hobby airport were delayed after a TSA agent screamed “Shut it down, shut it down, shut it down!” and ordered everyone to clear the area. The culprit, a plastic toy grenade (ed. who makes toy grenades?). This was less than 24 hours after Houston’s other airport, George Bush International, was shut down when an impatient passenger waiting in line to be searched said something about explosives.

The meditation app, Calm, published an audio reading of the European Union’s General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR) narrated by former BBC radio announcer Peter Jefferson to help its subscribers drift off to sleep.

The goalkeeper on the Tunisian World Cup team devised a brilliant scheme to give his ramadan-fasting teammates a quick break at sundown so they could load up on figs and water. He fakes injury.

The Miss America pageant announced that it’s getting rid of the swimsuit competition and will no longer judge contestants based on physical appearance.

Sometimes it feels like fashion designers are playing a joke on us. One side of the world were baffled by Balenciaga’s $1300 shirt-on-a-shirt while the other side of the world is puzzled by Gu’s khaki’s with a codpiece.

80 people lined up to be baptized on Sunday morning at Lake Abaya in Ethiopia. While the second baptism was being conducted, a crocodile leapt from the waters and attacked the pastor killing him. No word on what happened to the remaining 77 prospective converts.

An eight-floor “car vending machine” opened for business in Maryland.

A speed-climbing duo set a new record and scaled the sheer granite face of El Capitan in Yosemite in less than two hours. Pleased with their effort, Alex Honnold, one of the climbers texted “Yay!”

Photo credit: Reddit

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The week that was (06-01-2018)

Arlington National Cemetery, where the US buries its war dead, is running out of room. Already, family members who ask to be buried next to their relatives who have died in the service of their country are being denied and space is being saved by burying relatives in stacks, instead of side by side.

Hormel recalled more than 220,000 pounds of Spam.

A hospital in Scotland is checking in patients who are addicted to checking their cryptocurrency share prices.

It was reported that, “More than 40¢ of every dollar consumers spend on the Internet already goes to Amazon.”

A television evangelist asked his followers for $54 million so he could buy a Dassault Falcon 7X jet (he already has three other private jets). “I really believe that if the Lord Jesus Christ was physically on the Earth today, he wouldn’t be riding a donkey”

The United States Geological Survey reminded everyone that it is not a good idea to roast marshmallows over an open lava pit.

While politics divide us, a 14-year old who set up a twitter account dedicated to getting her favorite band, Weezer, to cover Toto’s Africa brought us together in celebration of her triumph.

A Tesla in autopilot mode crashed into a parked police car in Laguna Beach.

Drought-stricken Cape Town began publishing a map to enable residents to check up on their neighbors’ water usage.

A New Zealand man, frustrated at the lack of attention given to the poor roads in his community found a way to get the city council’s attention. He spray-painted giant, lime green penises around each pothole.

A suspicious package cleared out an area of Atlanta’s busy Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport. Further investigation uncovered the source. A pair of battery-operated vibrating slippers.

Photo credit: Reddit user bgarza18

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The week that was (05-25-2018)

Last week we learned of a 69-year old double amputee that climbed to the summit of Mt. Everest. This week it’s a veteran Sherpa guide who just finished his record 222th time up the mountain.

For the first time in its 226-year history, a woman will lead the New York Stock Exchange. Also, the Fearless Girl statue will be moved from her spot staring down Wall Street’s bronze Charging Bull to a new home facing the New York Stock Exchange.

An estimated 177.7 million U.S. adults, 70.3% of the total population, regularly use another digital device while watching TV.

Last quarter, cinema box office sales were greater in China than in the United States.

A sinkhole opened up on the White House lawn, in front of the press briefing room.

At least 445 billion dollars were lost last year due to cybercrime. Up 30% from just three years ago.

China’s second largest, state-owned bank, offered wealthy clients the opportunity to have dinner with the Donald Trump for $150,000 a ticket.

Two Toronto police officers have been formally charged with eating edibles on duty. The officers were busted back in January when they called for emergency assistance at about 1 a.m. because one of them got stuck in a tree.

A hotel in England finally put an end to a man’s 5-day drug binge when they stopped him while he was carrying a large bag of potatoes up to his room while wearing a bra over his shirt. When asked what he was doing, he responded that he was filling his bathtub with the spuds because, “it felt like the right thing to do at the time.”

Chinese facial-recognition cameras have been working overtime picking out fugitives in the crowds. At a concert one man was picked up when he was leaving a concert. His crime? “Not paying for about $17,000 worth of potatoes he had bought in 2015.”

The DEA has confessed that it raided the wrong house in Tennessee. A father of four says a team busted through the front door, threw flash bangs, knocked pictures off walls, damaged the ceiling and burned holes through clothes and carpet. “I am okay and could have easily been killed just thankful to be alive and my family okay,” he wrote.

Scientists at the Washington Department of Fish and Wildlife have discovered trace elements of the opioid oxycodone present in mussels and other shellfish in the waters off Seattle.

The Journal of Neurosurgery published a paper that finally explained how Michael Jackson was able to lean 45° forward in the Smooth Criminal video.

Photo credit: The Shark from the 1975 Spielberg film ‘Jaws’ (via Reddit)

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The week that was, Royal Wedding edition

The United Kingdom will shut down this weekend for the Royal Wedding. Punters are betting on everything with 2:1 odds that the queen will be wearing a blue hat while the appearance of a white hat is a long 33:1.

While doing research for the wedding, a staff writer for The New Yorker discovered that Her Majesty The Queen, “owns all porpoises, whales, sturgeon, and dolphins that pass within three miles of Britain’s shores.”

Sweden is well on its way to becoming a cashless society. Fewer than half of Swedish banks keep any cash on hand. In other news, thousands of Swedes are implanting microchips under their skin to save having to carry around ID cards.

The city of Chicago is selling more than 3,200 vacant lots on the city’s South and West sides for just $1 each.

A robotic dragon burst into flames during a parade at Disney World. On-lookers, unaware of the calamity, thought the pyrotechnics were all part of the act.

West Japan Railways issued a statement after one of its trains mistakenly departed a station 25 seconds early. The company spokesman said the incident was, “truly inexcusable.”

A family in China was dismayed to discover that their adopted pet dog with a ravenous appetite was, in fact, a bear.

Watching Westworld? UCLA neuroscientists reported Monday that they have transferred a memory from one animal to another via injections of RNA.

A member of the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology skeptical about climate change suggested that perhaps the sea level was rising because of “rocks” in the ocean.

The Michigan Department of Natural Resources is using doughnuts and bacon to lure black bears into an enclosure where they can get a sample of their fur.

Boeing predicts that over the next two decades China will need 110,000 new pilots. To this end, China is buying up flight-instruction schools in the US, Europe, Australia and Canada.

Xia Boyu, a Chinese climber who lost both legs climbing Everest over 40 years ago, successfully summited the mountain at the age of 69.

Photo: Special marmite packaging ready for the royal wedding this weekend

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The week that was (05-11-2018)

California passed the UK to become the 5th largest economy in the world.

An Israeli settlement camp in the West Bank was the first to deploy miniature drones to secure its borders.

Feliks Zemdegs from Australia has broken the world record for solving a Rubik’s cube. He did it in just 4.22 seconds.

It took three months for the Postal Service and UPS to catch on that a man in Chicago had submitted a change of address form to redirect all of UPS’ corporate mail to Apartment L2, 6750 N. Ashland Ave. in Chicago where the resident intercepted, sorted, and cashed $60k in checks meant for UPS.

A man in China accidentally paid over $29,000 for two steamed buns when he entered his PIN instead of approximately 30 cents he owed into Alipay, the mobile payment app he was using.

Detailed radar surveys of Mt. Mantap, the site of North Korea’s underground nuclear test site, revealed that the most recent explosion vaporized granite rock causing a cavity about, “the size of a football stadium” and caused the mountain to collapse into itself.

It was revealed that the iconic cascading green characters shown at the beginning of all Matrix films are just recipes for sushi.

“I was imagining about 100 or 200 people might want to come, not 30,000,” said Laurent Luft, the president of the Paris Naturist Association which organized an art exhibit where you are required to leave your clothes at the door.

Google announced that it has taught a computer to say, “um-hmm” which was heralded as a major leap forward in Artificial Intelligence.

A pitcher for the Red Sox got in trouble after some speculated that his three-hour Fortnite sessions caused carpal tunnel injury endangering his pitching.

China is building high rise buildings to house industrial pig farms.

Photo: Truck carrying chocolate overturned on a Polish highway (NYT)

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The week that was, May-the-Forth be with you edition

The world’s oldest spider died. She was 43.

Gibson Guitar, makers of BB King’s Lucille and Jimmy Page’s double-neck, declared bankruptcy.

Soni Wolf, the founding member of the San Francisco-based group, Dykes on Bikes, died of natural causes. She was 69.

A group of Iranian women disguised themselves with beards and wigs in order to sneak in and watch a soccer game.

Italians are bringing in Chinese labor to work in Tuscany to make expensive handbags that carry the coveted, “Made in Italy” label. Many of these handbags are probably exported back to China.

More than 500 students and teachers were evacuated from a university in Australia because of rotting durian that had been left in a cupboard.

The photography world erupted in controversy after an award-winning wildlife photo was accused of photo-shopping in a stuffed anteater. But doubts remain.

Ford announced new technology they are developing for car windows that allows for blind people to “feel” the view.

Engineers in NYC are volunteering time and hardware to build NYC Mesh, a guerrilla alternative network to the expensive, centralized ISPs.

A museum in the South of France had an existential crisis when it discovered that over half of its collection are forgeries.

UC Berkeley announced plans to build housing on People’s Park.

Goldman Sachs President David Solomon said that artificial intelligence has made many of the jobs on Wall Street unnecessary. On the equity desk, “where 15-20 years ago we had 500 people making markets in stocks. Today we have three.”

Taylorism is alive and well in China as it was revealed that workers in high-stress environments, “wear caps to monitor their brainwaves, data that management then uses to adjust the pace of production and redesign workflows”

Facebook published research that demonstrates how they can send messages directly to your skin.

The first person charged under Malaysia’s new Anti-Fake News law was sentenced to one month in prison for exaggerating local police response times in a video he uploaded to YouTube.

Photo credit: Thanks to Isaac Hepworth for the chyron generator and Julia for the text.

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The week that was (04-27-2018)

MedMen, a high-end marijuana dispensary, opened its doors on Fifth Avenue.

“It was selfish. It started small and got bigger and out of control,” said Gilberto Escamilla, a South Texas man pleading guilty to stealing $1.2M in fajitas.

Because of quadruple-digit inflation in Venezuela, computers at the country’s stock exchange are no longer able to efficiently calculate share prices.

Students at the UC Berkeley elected a squirrel to its student senate.

Avery Island, the home of Tabasco, is in danger due to rising sea levels.

Kim Jong Un  brought his own toilet to the historic Korea summit.

Scientists can now successfully keep a pig’s brain alive, without the body.

Donald Trump’s scheduled visit to the UK in July will fall on Friday the 13th when there will also be a partial eclipse of the sun.

After an argument with his mother, a 12-year old boy grabbed his mom’s credit card and took a 4-day holiday in Bali.

California has several initiatives to break off from the United States. In Memphis, leaders are discussing leaving the State of Tennessee.

It was reported that only three wild caribou are left in the contiguous United States.

Scientists grew vegetables in Antarctica without soil or sunlight to determine if it might be possible to grow crops on a potential mission to Mars.

A mail carrier in Brooklyn stashed about 17,000 pieces of undelivered mail for more than a decade because he was “overwhelmed”

A road that recharges electric vehicles as they drive on it opened in Sweden.

An engineer in Japan who grew up watching The Transformers, built one.

Photo credit “What the Verdun battlefield looks like now”  jeroentje22

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The week that was (04-20-2018)

The CEO of MGA Entertainment bid $890 million in a last-minute effort to save Toys R Us from going bankrupt. Five people were arrested after they turned an abandoned Toys R Us into a massive rave.

The Walmart yodeling boy sang at Coachella.

In a leaked memo, Apple warns employees to stop leaking information

Samsung stock plummeted 10% after an employee of Samsung Securities pressed the wrong key and mistakenly unleashed 2 billion shares (worth about $105 billion USD) to members of its stock option program instead of 2 billion won (about $2 billion USD). The mistake was compounded during the 37 minutes it took to realize and correct the error when several eagle-eyed employees sold their windfall, flooding the market and depressing share prices.

The IRS’ “modernized eFile tax system,” built to handle bulk tax form submissions from online services such as Turbo Tax and H&R Block’s Tax Cut, crashed on the last day to file taxes.

In preparation for the eventual colonization of space, NASA shot human sperm into space.

Bitcoin prices spiked with some attributing the renewed interest to the cryptocurrency satisfying conditions that would make it halal.

Scientists accidentally created a mutant enzyme that breaks down plastic drink bottles.

Four recent MIT graduates unveiled their new “Spyce Kitchen,” a robotic cooking machine about the size of a refrigerator which, at the press of a button, can turn out in less than three minutes any of the seven chef-approved bowls of stew on its menu. The first prototype, built in the basement of their fraternity house, “was conceived as an engineering solution to every hungry college student’s gripe — where to get good, cheap food fast.”

If you think your coffee has a bit too much of a jolt in it, beware. It might contain used battery dust.

A trader named Morgan Stanley was fired from Morgan Stanley.

Police in Louisiana say a woman came home to discover a naked stranger in her tub, eating her Cheetos while taking a bath.

In what is being hailed as a “Moon-landing equivalent for robots,” two engineers in Singapore have built an AI-powered robot that can build an IKEA chair in less than 21-minutes without instructions.

The FDA approved contact lenses that darken in sunlight.

Remember that burned out home in San Jose listed for $800,000? A condemed home in Fremont, just a few miles away, sold for $1.2 million, all cash.

A small town in Georgia prepared for a large Neo-Nazi march scheduled in their town by inviting families to draw rainbows and unicorns along the parade route.

Five men that attended San Rafael High School in 1971 came forward with the origin story of 420 code with published evidence.

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The week that was (04-13-2018)

Queen Elizabeth compared President Trump to a noisy helicopter.

An Ohio man was arrested Wednesday on a domestic violence charge, after hitting a woman in the face with a pizza.

A Houston gas station owner opened fire on someone who underpaid for his Slim Jim.

A 12-year-old in Philadelphia was arrested for brandishing a loaded assault rifle.

A Spaniard, raised by wolves, confessed to being disappointed with human life.

Someone finally invented a “roomba for your lawn.” (Lars in Tokyo points out Honda already has one).

Sales are way up at the New England Confectionery Company after they announced they were going to stop making their iconic Necco wafer. “People are rushing to stockpile them like they’re the next cryptocurrency.”

After 120 years, Sears is closing its last store in Chicago, its hometown.

DARPA developed a neural implant that has been shown to improve short-term memory by an average of 35 percent.

Chinese search engine giant Baidu launched a stock photo platform that uses blockchain technology to protect image intellectual property.

A married couple in China that was tragically killed in a car crash four years ago gave “birth” to a baby through a surrogate mother using IVF. The grandparents are overjoyed but had to submit to DNA testing to prove the baby’s nationality.

Researchers from Columbia University and New York State Psychiatric Institute determined that the human body continues to produce new brain cells well into your 70’s.

Hockey sticks were left out on front doorsteps all across Canada as the nation mourned the loss of 15 college hockey players in a tragic bus crash.

In Denmark, the demolition of an old 173-foot concrete silo went horribly wrong and took out the neighboring library and cultural center.

A burned out house in San Jose was listed for $800,000.

“It’s a windy day. It must have flown through the window and into my purse,” claimed Kennecia Posey who was pulled over for erratic driving and arrested for possession of cocaine and marijuana.

Eight Argentinian police officers were fired after claiming that more than half a ton of marijuana that disappeared from a police warehouse had been eaten by mice.

“The time has come for serious consideration of a shift in federal marijuana policy,” said former Speaker of the United States House of Representatives John Boehner in a statement announcing his addition to the board of one of the nation’s largest, multi-state actively-managed cannabis corporations.

In an effort to combat climate change, Los Angeles began painting some of its streets white to reflect the summer heat. Not to be outdone, China is testing roads paved with solar panels.

A 112-year-old Japanese man was recognized by Guinness Book of World Records as the world’s oldest male. The world’s oldest female is a 117-year-old Jamaican.

Starting next year, it will cost an extra 1,000 yen to leave Japan.

A large chunk of the Irish cliffs of Mór fell into the Atlantic.

photo credit: Trump walked to Air Force One in high winds — and the photos of his hair are mesmerizing

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The week that was (04-06-2018)

While a Milwaukee pastor was delivering his Easter sermon to his congregation a thief broke into his SUV and stole his bible.

An Easter performance of the Passion of Christ was all too real for a member of the audience member in Brazil. Taking matters into his own hands he whacked the actor playing a Roman soldier with his motorcycle helmet to rescue Jesus from the cross.

For the first time in modern history, the murder rate in London surpassed that of New York.

A South Carolina congressman pulled out a loaded .38-caliber Smith & Wesson handgun during a meeting with his constituents on Friday.

The Pennsylvania Department of Transportation was called out to rescue two goats stuck on a bridge.

photo credit: U2 pilot selfie with Northern Lights

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