The week that was (02-23-2018)

Fergie brought down the house at the NBA All-Star Game with her jazzy rendition of the national anthem. Not in a good way.

As an undergraduate at UC Berkeley she lost to Arnold Schwarzenegger to be governor of California. Now Elizabeth Swaney hacked the qualification rules for the Olympics and made it into the the Ladies Ski Halfpipe to add another skill to her LinkedIn profile.

A second Russian athlete was busted for doping. Nadezhda Sergeeva, who was photographed earlier this month wearing an “I don’t do doping” sweatshirt.

Scientists at Bayer invented an onion that doesn’t make you cry.

In a sign of the times, the makers of Lucky Charms breakfast cereal are retiring the antiquitated hourglass charm and replacing it with a unicorn.

Apple’s new corporate headquarters officially opened at their new “spaceship” campus. The miles of curved glass walls are spotless of course but the problem is, people keep running into them.

This individual will moderate one of the debates in the upcoming Pennsylvania governor’s race. Who is Alex Trebek, the host of the TV game show Jeopardy!

Police in Argentina arrested six people for running a cocaine smuggling operation out of the basement of the Russian Embassy.

A nation sick of inaction over last week’s shooting took matters into their own hands to cut off one source of funding and political influence. While #boycottNRA trended on Twitter, multiple companies announced an end to special discounts for NRA members.

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The week that was (02-16-2018)

Children were shot down and murdered in cold blood. Thoughts & Prayers trended on social media.

An Arizona woman has been diagnosed with Foreign Accent Syndrome, a rare condition that causes her to switch accents.

Parents at a school in Japan asked the school scale back on the budget for their new $800 uniforms. The school had hired Armani.

The leather-bound book titled Gaines Universal Register or American and British Kalendar for the year 1793 has been checked out too often from the Schenectady Union College library. Tucked inside archivists discovered an envelope containing a few strands of hair from George Washington.

Scientists in Bolivia, desperate to raise awareness for the last known living male Sehuencas water frog created a match.com profile to find him a mate.

The Chinese military has re-assigned 60,000 troops to plant trees.

Lions in South Africa fought back and ate an illegal poacher in Kruger National Park. All that remained was a loaded rifle and his head.

A scientist at Oxford won awards for his photo of a single atom.

A Texas man man was unsuccessful in appealing a DWI conviction after he argued that the state’s legal threshold for intoxication “unfairly discriminates against alcoholics.”

First it was 16-year old Jack Bergeson. Then a couple more teenagers. Finally this week a dog is now running to be the next Governor of Kansas.

Clever Moscow residents have found a way to force a reluctant city government to clear record snow that is clogging their streets. They write the name of opposition leader Alexei Navalny on piles of it.

We learned that the entire Finnish Olympic squad in Pyeongchang is knitting a blanket for the presidential couple’s newborn son.

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The week that was (2-9-2018)

The Crisco didn’t work so well last time so Philadelphia city workers tried something else to keep the sports fans from climbing the city lamp posts, hydraulic fluid. It didn’t work.

Boston University lost their bet with Temple University so BU students will be eating Philly Cheese Steaks under a banner congratulating the Eagles on their Super Bowl victory.

Budweiser honored its bet with Eagles offensive lineman Lane Johnson and bought Bud Light for the everyone at the Eagles Super Bowl parade.

A Florida man who was missing at sea was found after 16 days of subsisting on Doritos and cookies.

Headline of the Week award goes to Inverse for “Flat Earther’s Rocket Launch Fails Spectacularly, Disappointing Tens”

Police in Scotland had a tense, 45-minute stand-off with a tiger until they discovered it was a stuffed animal.

In Mexico, someone tried to send a live tiger cub through express mail.

Remember the emotional support peacock from last week? This week a college student was told by Spirit Airlines at the gate that her pet hamster, Pebbles, would not be allowed onboard her flight so she flushed him down the toilet.

Ever sensible Finland started wheels turning for the EU to evaluate the repeal of Daylight Savings Time.

Japanese scientists were at it again. Apparently chemicals found in McDonald’s french fries stimulates hair growth.

Sensing opportunity with the legalization of recreational pot in California, one enterprising Girl Scout sold over 300 boxes of cookies in six hours outside of a San Diego pot dispensary. All for a good cause?

A self-driving truck drove itself 2,400 miles from Los Angeles to Jacksonville.

The US Army is now training with unmanned robots that shoot .50-caliber bullets from a machine gun.

The Norwegian Olympic team in South Korea misused Google Translate and ended up taking delivery of 15,000 eggs.

The Winter Olympics skating competitions kicked off in Korea with a dreadful Paul Anka cover of Wonderwall.

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The week that was (2-2-2018)

Pastor Mack Wolford from the Full Gospel Apostolic House of the Lord Jesus was killed by the timber rattlesnake that was a common prop in his sermons.

Scott Tilley, an amateur radio astronomer, discovered a satellite that NASA thought they had lost in 2005. It appears to have been actively transmitting data all along.

Thieves in Germany stole two trucks and made off with almost 50 tons, of chocolate. Further South, police outside of Seville, Spain recovered four tons of oranges.

Tickets to the President Trump’s State of the Union speech had a typo and had to be reprinted.

A woman at Newark Airport was denied a seat on a United Airlines flight for her pet which she claimed had a right to bring on board as her emotional support animal. The pet was a peacock.

Two cops in Toronto raided a marijuana dispensary and sampled some of the evidence. The edibles did not show any adverse effects so they ate more, and then some more. Then the drugs kicked in.

Students in New Jersey raised over $5,000 to send their school bus driver, “Mr. Gary” and his wife to the Minnesota to see his favorite team, the Eagles, play in the Super Bowl this weekend.

Robert Meilhammer, out hunting geese, had to be airlifted to a hospital when one of the birds shot out of the sky hit him and knocked him unconscious.

A Northern California woman listed as missing when she stopped updating her social media accounts turned up on national TV in an episode of The Bachelor.

Michael Ryder in Michigan started to receive unemployment checks this week. Michael is a dog.

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The week that was (1-26-2108)

To keep jubilant Philadelphia Eagles fans from climbing lamp posts after the NFC Championship game, city workers lathered them down with Crisco grease. Despite their efforts, Eagles fans drove up the Rocky Steps with their dune buggy and animated traffic cones instead.

Minnesota Viking fans, bitter at their loss to the Eagles in Philadelphia and having to host Philly fans in Minnesota, are apparently plotting to sign up as temporary Uber drivers so they can drop them off “in the boonies.”

New Orleans recently cleared out its clogged drainage system of 46 tons of Mardi Gras beads.

A Florida man was arrested for driving under the influence after pulling up to a drive-thru bank window at and trying to order a burrito.

A flying drone dropped a flotation device to two teens caught in a riptide in heavy seas off the Australian coast in what officials describe as a world-first rescue-by-drone.

Japanese engineers have been testing a new device for trains that has reduced the number of “deer-train collisions” by 40%. The contraption makes the trains bark like a dog.

New York City placed a $4 billion order with Japanese company Kawasaki for over 1,000 new subway cars. The deal was a blow to Canadian Bombardier which was hired to build the city’s last fleet of new cars, but delivered them two years behind schedule.

Researchers at the Chinese Academy of Sciences Institute of Neuroscience in Shanghai have successfully cloned a monkey.

A driver of a Tesla stopped in the middle of rush hour traffic on the San Francisco Bay Bridge was sternly reminded by California Highway Patrol that a self-driving is not the same as autopilot. Later in the week, another Tesla reportedly on “Autopilot” slammed into the back of a fire truck in the breakdown lane.

A German politician from an anti-Islam party resigned and converted to Islam.

Ralph Lauren unveiled the US Winter Olympic uniforms. They are embedded with electric heating elements in the shape of an American flag.

China announced that Hip-Hop culture and tattoos are now banned from television.

Residents in Alabama held a candlelight vigil to mourn the loss of a Taco Bell.

Japanese food scientists figured out how to make soft-serve ice cream that can be set on fire.

French supermarket chain Intermarché discounted the hazelnut spread Nutella 70% – riots broke out.

A dozen camels were disqualified from this year’s Saudi “camel beauty contest” because their handlers used Botox to make them more handsome.

The White House inquired with the Guggenheim about borrowing a Van Gogh for President and Melania Trump’s private living quarters. The Guggenheim’s chief curator was apologetic. The painting was “prohibited from travel except for the rarest of occasions” and suggested Maurizio Cattelan’s Golden Toilet which was available.

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The week that was (1-19-2018)

A “drunk gentleman in Russia” stole an armored personnel carrier and rammed it into a liquor shop to steal a bottle of wine.

A White House conference call with 60+ reporters devolved into chaos while the operator tried to figure out how to put everyone into listen-only mode. “I think if everyone had half a brain and common sense and muted their phones, this wouldn’t be a problem,” yelled one White House official. h/t to @toddbarnard for a link to a recording.

Saudi Arabia lifted a 35-year ban on movie theaters. Citizens were most likely unimpressed with the initial offerings, The Emoji Movie followed by Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie

Miners in southern African country of Lesotho unearthed one of the largest diamonds ever found. The 910-carat is a D color, Type IIa diamond and expected to fetch tens of millions.

Japan’s national TV station, NHK, mistakenly sent an alert informing alarmed users of its app that North Korea had launched a missile.

Further South, in city of Gamagori, panicked officials pleaded over the city-wide emergency alert loudspeaker (normally reserved for tsunami alerts) not to eat fugu. It was discovered that a local supermarket sold five packets of the deadly blowfish with the toxic liver still intact. “Three packages will be retrieved today, but we still don’t know where the remaining two are.”

For the first time an artificial intelligence outscored humans in a reading comprehension test.

A Russian businessman purchased two electrical power plants that he plans to use exclusively to power his bitcoin mining operation.

The United Kingdom appointed a minister for loneliness.

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The week that was (1-12-2018)

The world’s longest glass-bottom bridge opened in Hongyagu, China.

Following up on the 911 story from Florida last week we have another Florida incident where a drunk man called 911 to report a drunk driver – himself.

Auto burglaries are up dramatically in San Francisco. This week, Marissa Castelli, a figure skater headed to next month’s 2018 Winter Olympics, had her car broken into during a visit here for the US Championships and lost two custom made costumes and her skates.

Thieves in France made off with 700 blocks of Saint-Nectaire cheese.

In Washington DC, a man broke into a Chipotle and ate $60 worth of barbacoa.

A California man tried to kill a large spider with his lighter. The flaming spider ran under his bedroom mattress which caught fire and set ablaze his drapes and the rest of the apartment.

Northern Australian scientists have confirmed that birds are spreading wildfires by, “deliberately carrying burning sticks and embers to set alight other bits of grassland” to flush out their prey.

Scientists have confirmed that the ozone hole is getting smaller.

A woman expecting to fly back with her family from Italy to San Jose, California was dismayed to learn from the person sitting next to her that her separately booked flight was instead headed to San Jose, Costa Rica.

As legalized marijuana grows in popularity, instances of pets stoned on edibles left on the ground are on the rise. In other news, dogs that sniff out pot for the police are now out of work.

Remember that elderly California couple busted in Nebraska on their way to Vermont with 60 Lbs of weed in the back of their truck? They got busted again, in Nebraska.

Sales of another Fire & Fury book are up. “I haven’t seen this level of interest since the book first came out,” said Randall Hansen, author Fire and Fury, the allied bombing of Germany.

There was not much to see at the Consumer Electronics Show when the power went out for two hours.

Artist Daniel Jacob created a $6500 pair of Air Jordan 1s encrusted with thousands of gold crystals.

Police looking for a bank theft suspect arrested said suspect when he applied for a job, with the police.

In Key Biscayne, the local iguanas were falling out of trees, groggy from the unusually cold temperatures. One man gathered them up and loaded them in the back of his car (BBQ iguana being a delicacy in his home country). When the iguanas thawed out during the ride they caused a commotion in the back seat and caused an accident.

A musician who uploaded a 10-hour long video of white noise to YouTube has been served 5 separate copyright violations.

The company that makes the frozen snack Dippin Dots is sharing their expertise and expanding into the cryogenics industry.

A Russian base in Syria was the victim of the first ever drone swarm attack.

The US military announced that it’s making laser-powered bat drones.

The China space program announced that it will attempt to grow potatoes on the dark side of the moon.

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The Week that Was (1-5-2018)

In San Francisco, people are paying $36.99 for something called “raw water”

Philip Morris announced that it’s getting out of the cigarette business.

A Delta flight out of Detroit was forced to turn around after a bird tried to hitch a ride to Atlanta and refused to leave the cockpit. An Alaska Airlines flight out of Oakland was cancelled because of a loose rat. Finally, a Delta flight from Atlanta to London had to turn around after taking off, twice.

A man’s car brakes failed and would not shift gears because it was stuffed chock full of acorns.

A mosque in Arkansas  raised money to pay off fines to keep the man who vandalized them out of jail. If the story sounds familiar, both the mosque and vandal were featured in a powerful podcast segment by The Daily.

While searching for a cure for diabetes, researches accidentally found a potential cure for Alzheimer’s.

A Jeopardy player was docked $3200 because he pronounced gangsta as gangster.

Theunis Botha, a professional big game hunter was killed when the female elephant he wounded was killed by another hunter and fell onto Mr. Botha, crushing him.

A Florida woman arrested for misuse of the 911 system called 911 again, from the back of a police car.

Two people died in Japan after choking on mochi rice cakes, a traditional snack during the New Year holiday. This is the same death toll as last year but down from nine who expired in 2015.

In other news, Steve Bannon called the president’s son “treasonous.” President Trump said his former top adviser has “lost his mind.” Paul Manafort is suing Bob Mueller and Bill and Hillary Clinton’s home in Chappaqua caught fire.

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The Week that Was (12-30-2017)

A man wearing a “Trust Me” t-shirt was arrested after stealing a car that was left unlocked on the street idling to warm up.

Mary Horomanski in Erie, Pennsylvania received her December electric bill and her, “eyes just about popped out of my head” when she saw that the total due was more than the entire GDP of Chile.

A hotel in Dallas put up 500 homeless for Christmas and welcomed them with a red carpet and lunch banquet.

SpaceX Falcon 9 Rocket Launch from Jesse Watson on Vimeo.

Someone trained a neural network to write Christmas Carols and the results were. . . interesting.

A Japanese chemist accidentally invented a type of glass that glues itself back together after cracking.

Far-right performance artist Milo Yiannopoulos’s autobiography was in the news as his publisher released editorial commentary on the manuscript in their defense. “stronger argument against feminism than saying that they are ugly and sexless and have cats” reads one comment, “The use of phrases like ‘two-faced backstabbing bitches’ diminishes your overall point,” was another.

A Florida patron of Crabby’s Seafood Shack called 911 to complain about the size of his portions. Twice.

Two friends who have known each other since grade school in Hawaii found out after 60 years that they are brothers.

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The Week that Was (12-22-2017)

A man in London spontaneously burst into flames.

So much rain fell on Texas, Louisiana, Arkansas and Mississippi during Hurricane Harvey that the earth’s crust flexed.

People stealing packages left on front porches is such a big problem that one man has gone into business selling booby trap devices that set off a small explosive to deter would be thieves. Others have resorted to more creative solutions.

A California couple were pulled over in Nebraska on their way to Vermont. Patrick Jiron, 80, and Barbara Jiron, 83 were subsequently arrested when 60 pounds of high grade marijuana were found in the back of their Toyota Tacoma.  The couple claimed they were bringing Christmas gifts.

In January, recreational pot will be legal in California. Fast food chain Jack in the Box is already prepping for the influx of stoners with a new Merry Munchie Meal which they will test market at the price of $4.20.

You can now buy a bicycle that can pedal across water.

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