The week that was (08-31-2018)

Scientists found evidence for universes beyond our own. Other scientists discovered a giant deep-sea coral reef deep off the coast of South Carolina.

Senators Jeff Flake and the late John McCain (in one of his last acts before his passing) requested the Pentagon “prohibit the use of funds for the development of beerbots or other robot bartenders.” 

A 69-year-old man was pulled over on suspicion of theft of agricultural products. Inside the trunk of his car, police discovered 800 lbs of stolen lemons.

A sexually frustrated bottle nose dolphin has prompted a French coastal town to issue a swimming ban. At first the dolphin delighted visitors because of its eagerness to interact but the last straw appeared to come last week when the dolphin tossed a young woman bather in the air with its nose.

Animal rights group PETA asked the Maine Department of Transportation for permission to erect a 5-foot tombstone to mark the site of a truck crash that poured over 7,000 lbs of lobsters onto a road. The site will memorialize the “countless sensitive crustaceans” killed in the crash with a gravestone that will read “In memory of the lobsters who suffered and died at this spot August 2018, Try Vegan.”

Thieves in Paraguay replaced working police rifles with toy replicas.

Anthony Scaramucci, the gone-before-you-knew-him White House Communications Director,  is promoting a new, off-Broadway, cabaret-themed show featuring singing performers lampooning Trump’s children, wife, and ex-wives.

A large mural, commissioned by Chicago’s Lakeview Chamber of Commerce, was destroyed just days after the it was completed because it was mistaken as graffiti by the Chicago Department of Streets and Sanitation.

Coffee is now banned in South Korean schools, even for teachers.

Photo credit: MrRogersGhost on Reddit

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The week that was (08-24-2018)

It costs 2.6 billion bolivars to buy one roll of toilet paper in Venezuela where inflation is 82,700%.

Researchers, faced with a large collection of uncategorized medical images, worked with the developers of the online game, EVE Online, to reward gamers for helping them classify images. “The players are very fast,” they noted.

The Russian maker of the AK-47 announced it’s getting into the electric car business.

Two runaway goats delayed subway service in NYC. The transit authority tweeted out a photo, calling them “very baaaaad boys.”

Chanel announced that it is launching its first line of makeup products for men. The “Boy” line will be available in South Korea starting September 1st.

Michelle Terry, the new head of the historic Globe Theater in London, has said she wants a fifty-fifty male-female ratio in casting from now on. The theater’s new production of Hamlet casts her as Hamlet.

A Pittsburgh production of Romeo and Juliet has been adopted for an all-female cast.

1st Lt. Misa Matsushima became Japan’s first female fighter pilot. She was inspired after watching the movie, Top Gun.

The Danish shipping company, Maersk, announced that Arctic ice has opened up enough to send a container ship over the northern coast of Russia. They join China’s COSCO that has been plying this route for the past three years.

After 110 years, Nabisco’s Animal Crackers have been freed from their cage and now roam free, no longer behind bars.

Photo credit: Carlos Garcia Rawlins for Reuters

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The week that was (08-17-2018)

The massive Carr Fire in Northern California was traced to sparks from a wheel rim of a trailer with a flat tire. When one individual in Redding reached out to forgive the elderly owners of that trailer for what was clearly a tragic mistake, many other followed suit. “I would think, no matter what race, what color, people are kind. . . deep down I think that compassion and community are at the core of human beings.” said Rachel Pilli, the catalyst of good.

Reebok launched a line of shoes made from corn.

Japan launched, in Hiroshima, the nation’s first pizza vending machine.

The Who’s Roger Daltrey said in an interview that hip-hop music has not really evolved and Kanye West’s music is “kind of meaningless.”

A nun from the Adorers of the Blood of Christ in Missouri was caught at Sydney Airport smuggling over a kilogram of cocaine inside a pair of high-heeled shoes. It appears she was an innocent victim and was duped into thinking she was doing someone a favor.

Ikea opened in India with local modifications such as solar-powered delivery rickshaws and samosas and biriyani in the cafeteria instead of the traditional Swedish meatballs.

The “tinny sounds of a cellphone ringtone” cut into the hushed silence of the gallery just as Tiger Woods drew back his club at the PGA Championship causing him to flub an important drive on the 5th hole. “I thought I might see a riot,” wrote one fan.

Mathematicians finally solved the age-old problem of how to break a spaghetti stick into two. (thx Dav)

Berry-growers in the Pacific Northwest have discovered a new way to keep birds from feasting on their crop. Lasers.

6-year-old Caitlin was left alone with her mom’s computer to order herself a new Barbie. She got a little carried away with the one-click Amazon Prime purchase account and racked up $350 in additional toys. She’s lost her internet privileges for a month.

Photo credit: Reddit user ConyCony


The week that was (08-10-2018)

Two elderly men escaped a nursing home in Germany to go to a heavy metal festival. They were discovered at 3am and were “reluctant to leave” the four-day festival which included bands such as Judas Priest, Hatebreed, In Flames, Running Wild, Arch Enemy, and Eskimo Callboy.

A teenager who really wanted to go to a concert in the next state was arrested for trying to steal a twin-engine jet plane. When asked, the 18-year old said, “he didn’t believe there was much more to the task than pushing buttons and pulling levers.”

A New Zealand man is recovering from injuries sustained while defending a jogger from a herd of hostile cows.

A 9-year-old’s lemonade stand was held up by another boy brandishing a BB gun pistol. He made his getaway on a bicycle. The suspect was later arrested and the local Lowe’s gave the victim a lawn mower for which he had been saving up to buy.

A McDonald’s in the UK refused to serve a woman because she went to its drive-thru window on horseback.  “I can’t serve you, you are not a car” said the worker, citing their drive-thru lane policy.

15-year old Kevin Dimaculangan was crowned the new Microsoft Excel champion. He has his sights set on Word or Powerpoint next.

City government workers in Alaska had to resort to using typewriters and hand-written receipts when dormant ransomware kicked into gear and encrypted nearly all the workstations and most of their servers.

Employees at the National Weather Service were confused when a message in Chinese that translated roughly as, “You have a package from Amazon at the Chinese Embassy, press 1 for more details” boomed over the entire building’s intercom system.

Hackers descended on Las Vegas for the annual DEF CON conference and within hours had already hacked the hotel room thermostats, elevators, and slot machines.

Airbus announced that it has successfully flown an unmanned, solar-powered drone for a record 25 days straight.

A new law in Tennessee will require the national motto, “In God We Trust,” be prominently displayed in all public schools.


The week that was (08-03-2018)

Tesla dipped, every so briefly, into the surfboard business before completely selling out of their limited-edition, carbon-fiber, surfboards.

Thieves kidnapped a shark from the San Antonio Aquarium by wrapping it in a blanket and disguising it as a baby in a stroller. The three-foot horn shark known as “Ms Helen” was found and is now recovering.

Someone had second thoughts about a ring-tailed lemur that they stole from the Santa Ana Zoo and left it in a crate on the doorstep of a Newport Beach hotel with a note asking that it be returned.

A company called We Rent Goats lost track of about 100 goats that wrecked havoc in West Boise, Idaho as they ate their way through a suburban neighborhood.

A sunflower farm in Canada is “closed for good” after Instagrammers overwhelmed their fields in search of the perfect selfie.

Lagunitas, a Northern California brewery purchased last year by Heineken, launched a new line of THC-infused sparkling hop-water drinks, Hi-Fi Hops. “This isn’t some fly-by-night, amateur’s jungle juice. This is contemporary consumer beverage tech mixed into every 12-ounce can, which retails for $8,” says Leafly magazine.

The company behind Canada Dry Ginger Ale is being sued because the soft drink apparently doesn’t contain any ginger.

A young boy’s lemonade stand was shut down by the New York state health department for operating without a permit. The New York Governor offered to pay any fees to re-open Brendan Mulvaney’s front yard stand.

NASA’s TESS (Transiting Exoplanet Survey Satellite) began operations and will head out into deep space in search of life on other planets.

France announced that all students under the age of 15 must leave their cellphones at home or turned off while at school. Meanwhile, the French culture ministry launched an app called Pass Culture which gives each 18-year-old EUR€500 to spend on museums and film.

The New York Mets lost to the Washington Nationals by a staggering 25-4 margin. It was not the worst loss in the franchise’s history.

Photo credit: Reddit user ggfergu

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The week that was (07-27-2018)

A man who vandalized Trump’s Walk of Fame star was bailed out by James Otis, the man who vandalized Trump’s star the last time.

Facing declining profits from cigarette sales, Imperial Brands made its first investment in the marijuana industry. The company behind the Kool and Winston brands, has joined with rap musician Snoop Dogg and actor Patrick Stewart to invest in a British medical marijuana research firm.

A Japanese startup is developing a “shooting stars on demand” service and expects to be ready to deliver the world’s first artificial meteor shower at the 2020 Japan Olympic Games.

The ACLU uploaded 25,000 criminal mugshots into Amazon’s facial recognition software, Rekognition, and ran it against the official photos of all 535 members of Congress, asking for any matches. The software ended up matching 28. Nearly 40 percent of Rekognition’s false matches in the test were of people of color, even though they make up only 20 percent of Congress.

Burberry decided the best way to preserve its brand value was by burning over $38 million of its unsold inventory.

A tortilla chip factory in San Antonio discovered that, if precautions are not taken, their unsold inventory can spontaneously catch fire.

A New Hampshire man was arrested for indecent exposure when he misunderstood his gym’s “judgement free zone” tagline. In Nashville, a man was arrested for doing jumping jacks, naked, in the women’s restroom at McDonald’s.

A University of Iowa football player was arrested for public intoxication after police say he tried to get into a police cruiser, thinking it was his Uber ride.

The California DMV is deciding on the appropriate corrective action after discovering a data operator has been sleeping at her desk for extended periods of time during work hours for the past four years.

Some universities in China have fitness requirements, asking students to log their steps each day with a fitness app. This has spawned a revolution in clever engineering hacks to fool the fitness apps to log steps while they sleep.

A zoo in Egypt is under fire after their zebra’s “stripes” began to run. People are pretty sure it’s a donkey someone painted to look like a zebra.

An Arizona man, who had recently been released from the hospital where he was recovering from a heat-related malady, stole an ambulance because it was too hot to walk. He said he intended to return the ambulance when he was done.

42,000-year old earthworms have revived from their deep freeze in the Siberian permafrost and are now “happily going about their business.”

Photo credit: Reddit user goatious

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The week that was (07-20-2018)

Crowds on South Street in Philadelphia got bored with the simulcast of the World Cup final and turned to re-living their Eagles win the Super Bowl from five months ago instead.

The small town in rural Japan that is the birthplace of something called Ninja Tourism is facing a shortage of Ninjas.

Scientists have detected just enough Cesium-137 radiation in California wines to date wines made before or after the Fukushima nuclear disaster in Japan.

To the surprise and amusement of city workers, the public flower beds in Powell, Wyoming started sprouting marijuana plants. The contraband cannabis plants were, “unknowingly watered and cared for” before they started to leaf out and were immediately recognized.

Donald Trump, fresh off his self-perceived successes with the NATO and Putin meetings in Europe, wants to paint Air Force One red, white, and blue.

Protestors have organized nightly events outside the White House to prevent Trump from getting over his jet lag. So far there has been a mariachi band and opera singers belting out The Star Spangled Banner. Tonight there will be a hip-hop artist and a brass band. The organizer is looking for tap dancers, puppeteers, a professional auctioneer (to verbally reenact outside the White House everything important Trump is giving away to the highest bidder), and bagpipers for the, “most epic bagpipe performance you have ever seen.”

The Brady Bunch house is on sale for the first time in 45 years. $1.85 million if you must ask.

First it was too heavy so they made it longer. Now it’s too long to fit the dock. Total retrofits of the new Spanish submarines will cost upwards of 14 million euros. Someone had put a decimal point in the wrong place, and “nobody paid attention to review the calculations”.

Rodney Smith Jr. finished his challenge of mowing a lawn in every state, for the 2nd year in a row.

Finally, the made-ya-look headline of the week award goes to Nixon Calls For Trump’s Impeachment by NY State of Politics.

Photo credit: Evy Mages at The Washingtonian

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The week that was (Friday the 13th)

The curious, wobbling stagger and irregular flight pattern of seagulls on the coast of England has been attributed to their consumption of the alcohol left in cans discarded on the beach.

Lonnie Perry rented the movie “Ted” in 2014 then he became homeless. He now is facing jail time because of an overdue rental bill.

Blockbuster Video closed its last two stores in Alaska leaving a one final store of the forgotten age, in Bend, Oregon.

A Canadian man placed a 6-year-old McDonald’s hamburger and fries up for auction on eBay. The auction reached $150 before being shut down for violating eBay’s food policy.

We learned that President Trump’s 2020 re-election campaign slogan is the same one as that of a horror movie coming out this summer.

Joe Trillo, a candidate for governor of Rhode Island, started his Sunday sailing his 65-foot motorboat, Lady M, 200 yards from some of Rhode Island’s largest beaches while blasting John Philip Sousa marching songs and flying a giant campaign sign. He finished his Sunday getting rescued by the Coast Guard after his yacht hit a rock and took on water.

A US cargo ship that was steaming full throttle towards China, hoping to deliver its cargo of soybeans before the 25% bump in trade tariffs, didn’t make it.

Honda released a lawnmower that can go 150 miles per hour.

Photo credit: Reddit User: 4chanAD

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The week that was (07-06-2018)

One of France’s most notorious criminals escaped from prison again. This time, on a hijacked helicopter.

“We’re not sure how many there were – there’s not much left of them,” said Sibuya reserve owner Nick Fox about the suspected rhino poachers that were mauled and eaten by lions on the South African game reserve.

A Pennsylvania man finally got around to paying a parking ticket, 44-years later.

An octopus that correctly predicted the outcome of each of Japan’s three World Cup soccer wins was chopped up and sold for food before Japan’s match with Belgium. Japan lost that match and was bumped from the World Cup.

The Japanese fans picked up after themselves as they have been known to do but a FIFA official discovered that the team also left their locker room immaculate earning respect and admiration from everyone.

England made it through to the Round of Eight but apparently England is running out of beer.

Guinness will open its first brewery in the US in more than 60 years, in Baltimore.

The FDA approved the first drug derived from cannabis as a treatment for epilepsy. Rite Aid promptly announced that they will sell Epidiolex when available.

Orange ecstasy pills shaped with the likeness of the US president and stamped with the words “Great Again” have surfaced in Indiana.

“They made me promise I would never do it again, and then sent me on my way with two watermelons,” said a rural Japanese gangster who was caught by local farmers trying to steal their produce. Financially troubled yakuza have been reduced to stealing watermelons and selling branded ashtrays.

A Norwegian Cruise Line crew member who went overboard near Cuba was fished out of the ocean, 22 hours later, by a Carnival Cruise Line ship.

Farmers in South Dakota are looking for their five-ton tractor when it went missing after a powerful tornado swept through their neighborhood.

It was reported that Germany’s combined wind, solar, biomass and hydroelectric power output produced enough renewable energy in the first half of 2018 to power every household in the country for an entire year.

Polish scientists were surprised to receive a monster phone bill when the SIM chip from a GPS tracker they put onto a migratory stork went missing racked up 20 hours’ worth of phone calls.

In the clearest sign yet that Trump is trolling the establishment, his administration put forth the United States Fair and Reciprocal Tariff Act, otherwise known as the US FART act.

Photo credit: Reddit user jcbjstc

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The week that was (06-29-2018)

Trump’s trade war backfired spectacularly when Harley-Davidson announced that it was moving production overseas to avoid crippling tariffs levied by the EU in retaliation.

Shawn Mendes, Bryan Adams, Foo Fighters and the Dave Matthews Band were facing delays because a protected bird built a nest and laid her eggs on the exact spot where construction of the main stage for the Ottawa Bluesfest was due to begin. Two days later, after a special permit from the Canada’s environmental authorities, they were able to move the nest and begin construction.

The NFL’s sole medical degree-holder was denied a request to put “M.D.” after his name on the back of his Kansas City Chiefs jersey.

Hundreds of Iranian soccer fans spent several overnight hours surrounding the hotel where Portugal’s national team was staying. They spent the night making loud noises in an attempt to disrupt their opponents’ sleep before a decisive match.

Masafumi Nagasaki, a hermit who retreated from the Japanese mainland to an isolated island near Taiwan, has been asked to return to civilization to look after his health. Nagasaki-san had been living there since 1989 and spent his days cleaning the beach of his island with a rake while wearing white gloves (and little else).

The first hamburger-making robot opened for business in San Francisco while the robot barista is moving on to version 2.0.

West Japan Railway started regular service between Osaka and Fukuoka on its Hello Kitty bullet train.

“Of course, we chose the cheaper foam agent. That’s how we survived,” said a worker at a Chinese refrigerator factory that was found to be the source of dangerous CFC-11 plume which mysteriously turned up in the atmosphere, threatening the earth’s ozone layer. “They never told us until last year that it was damaging the atmosphere. Nobody came to check what we were using, so we thought it was O.K.” Read the full investigative report by the New York Times who tracked the source of the leak to a single town in China.

Meanwhile, in Alberta, we bring you this“magnificently, almost suspiciously well-edited surveillance footage” of a convenience story robbery gone horribly wrong.

Photo credit: Reddit user Raqped

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