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The week that was (Friday the 13th)

The curious, wobbling stagger and irregular flight pattern of seagulls on the coast of England has been attributed to their consumption of the alcohol left in cans discarded on the beach.

Lonnie Perry rented the movie “Ted” in 2014 then he became homeless. He now is facing jail time because of an overdue rental bill.

Blockbuster Video closed its last two stores in Alaska leaving a one final store of the forgotten age, in Bend, Oregon.

A Canadian man placed a 6-year-old McDonald’s hamburger and fries up for auction on eBay. The auction reached $150 before being shut down for violating eBay’s food policy.

We learned that President Trump’s 2020 re-election campaign slogan is the same one as that of a horror movie coming out this summer.

Joe Trillo, a candidate for governor of Rhode Island, started his Sunday sailing his 65-foot motorboat, Lady M, 200 yards from some of Rhode Island’s largest beaches while blasting John Philip Sousa marching songs and flying a giant campaign sign. He finished his Sunday getting rescued by the Coast Guard after his yacht hit a rock and took on water.

A US cargo ship that was steaming full throttle towards China, hoping to deliver its cargo of soybeans before the 25% bump in trade tariffs, didn’t make it.

Honda released a lawnmower that can go 150 miles per hour.

Photo credit: Reddit User: 4chanAD

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The week that was (07-06-2018)

One of France’s most notorious criminals escaped from prison again. This time, on a hijacked helicopter.

“We’re not sure how many there were – there’s not much left of them,” said Sibuya reserve owner Nick Fox about the suspected rhino poachers that were mauled and eaten by lions on the South African game reserve.

A Pennsylvania man finally got around to paying a parking ticket, 44-years later.

An octopus that correctly predicted the outcome of each of Japan’s three World Cup soccer wins was chopped up and sold for food before Japan’s match with Belgium. Japan lost that match and was bumped from the World Cup.

The Japanese fans picked up after themselves as they have been known to do but a FIFA official discovered that the team also left their locker room immaculate earning respect and admiration from everyone.

England made it through to the Round of Eight but apparently England is running out of beer.

Guinness will open its first brewery in the US in more than 60 years, in Baltimore.

The FDA approved the first drug derived from cannabis as a treatment for epilepsy. Rite Aid promptly announced that they will sell Epidiolex when available.

Orange ecstasy pills shaped with the likeness of the US president and stamped with the words “Great Again” have surfaced in Indiana.

“They made me promise I would never do it again, and then sent me on my way with two watermelons,” said a rural Japanese gangster who was caught by local farmers trying to steal their produce. Financially troubled yakuza have been reduced to stealing watermelons and selling branded ashtrays.

A Norwegian Cruise Line crew member who went overboard near Cuba was fished out of the ocean, 22 hours later, by a Carnival Cruise Line ship.

Farmers in South Dakota are looking for their five-ton tractor when it went missing after a powerful tornado swept through their neighborhood.

It was reported that Germany’s combined wind, solar, biomass and hydroelectric power output produced enough renewable energy in the first half of 2018 to power every household in the country for an entire year.

Polish scientists were surprised to receive a monster phone bill when the SIM chip from a GPS tracker they put onto a migratory stork went missing racked up 20 hours’ worth of phone calls.

In the clearest sign yet that Trump is trolling the establishment, his administration put forth the United States Fair and Reciprocal Tariff Act, otherwise known as the US FART act.

Photo credit: Reddit user jcbjstc

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The week that was (06-29-2018)

Trump’s trade war backfired spectacularly when Harley-Davidson announced that it was moving production overseas to avoid crippling tariffs levied by the EU in retaliation.

Shawn Mendes, Bryan Adams, Foo Fighters and the Dave Matthews Band were facing delays because a protected bird built a nest and laid her eggs on the exact spot where construction of the main stage for the Ottawa Bluesfest was due to begin. Two days later, after a special permit from the Canada’s environmental authorities, they were able to move the nest and begin construction.

The NFL’s sole medical degree-holder was denied a request to put “M.D.” after his name on the back of his Kansas City Chiefs jersey.

Hundreds of Iranian soccer fans spent several overnight hours surrounding the hotel where Portugal’s national team was staying. They spent the night making loud noises in an attempt to disrupt their opponents’ sleep before a decisive match.

Masafumi Nagasaki, a hermit who retreated from the Japanese mainland to an isolated island near Taiwan, has been asked to return to civilization to look after his health. Nagasaki-san had been living there since 1989 and spent his days cleaning the beach of his island with a rake while wearing white gloves (and little else).

The first hamburger-making robot opened for business in San Francisco while the robot barista is moving on to version 2.0.

West Japan Railway started regular service between Osaka and Fukuoka on its Hello Kitty bullet train.

“Of course, we chose the cheaper foam agent. That’s how we survived,” said a worker at a Chinese refrigerator factory that was found to be the source of dangerous CFC-11 plume which mysteriously turned up in the atmosphere, threatening the earth’s ozone layer. “They never told us until last year that it was damaging the atmosphere. Nobody came to check what we were using, so we thought it was O.K.” Read the full investigative report by the New York Times who tracked the source of the leak to a single town in China.

Meanwhile, in Alberta, we bring you this“magnificently, almost suspiciously well-edited surveillance footage” of a convenience story robbery gone horribly wrong.

Photo credit: Reddit user Raqped

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The week that was (06-22-2018)

The agency that monitors seismic activity in Mexico said an “artificial quake” was registered in Mexico City, possibly caused by “massive jumps during the goal from the Mexico national soccer team.”

One of the oldest and biggest names in cannabis, High Times, announced that it is officially going public on the NASDAQ.

Multiple people in Michigan received, unprompted, an audio CD of a man telling a story. People were suspicious.

To prevent high school students from cheating on their final exams, the entire nation of Algeria cut off access its access to the internet.

Electricity providers used to have to spend valuable time on bucket trucks to clear debris such as kites, sheets, or parachutes from their power lines. Now they have a high-tech, lightweight (and pretty bad-ass) solution. Flame-thrower drones.

Phillie Phanatic is one of the more annoying team mascots. Especially so to Kathy McVay who was nailed in the face by a duct-tapped hot dog projectile fired from the Phanatic’s hot dog launcher.

Archaeologists began work on digging up the 1969 Woodstock festival site.

Harley-Davidson is selling bicycles. More specifically, a $4200 replica of their 1917 model they built when the company first started.

A jogger, visiting Canada from France, accidentally crossed the border, was apprehended by US Border Patrol, put into the back of a caged vehicle and driven 200 kms away to a DHS processing facility which took two weeks to clear her.

The Pokémon Go game added trading.

Photo credit: reddit user wetbathtub

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The week that was (06-15-2018)

A New York apple orchard was the first to have it’s trees pollinated by unmanned drones.

A shopping mall in China set aside walking lanes for people glued to their phones to keep them from bumping into other shoppers.

Bloomberg writes about a new breed of real estate agents selling virtual plots in Genesis City, a blockchain-based virtual world. Lots go for as much as $200,000, giving birth to a mortgage industry to finance these purchases.

A town in South Wales celebrated going “plastic-free” with a huge banner, made out of plastic.

The group Menage Life failed to break the world record for “the largest orgy in human history” when they couldn’t get enough people to show up.

A raccoon climbing up the outside walls of the UBS Plaza tower in downtown St. Paul, Minnesota was the lead story for most of Tuesday.

While designs for the US/Mexico border wall are still being decided, Australia has just completed installation of the world’s longest cat-proof fence.

Palmer Luckey, the founder of VR firm Oculus and pro-Trump supporter, is working on a virtual border-wall company.

Jamie Dupree, a radio newsman, went back on the air after losing his voice to illness two years ago. He now types into a text-to-speech application that uses years of his archived audio to create his new voice.

A Japanese woman was shocked when her husband, who the family cremated and buried, showed up on her doorstep almost a year later. “The incident is extremely regrettable. We’re determined to prevent a recurrence,” said the Tokyo Metropolitan Police in a statement.

Photo credit: Reuters/Jonathan Ernst

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The week that was (06-08-2018)

Researchers recommended that humming the Spanish dance song Macarena while performing CPR will help keep you on rhythm.

Renovators discovered secret diary written by a worker on the underside of the floorboards at a French chateau uncovered a tale of infidelity and infanticide and gave historians a unique record of village life in the 1880s.

A flight from the Netherlands to Gran Canaria in Spain was diverted for an emergency landing due to a single man’s overpowering smell described as, “chemical weapons-grade stench.”

All flights out of Houston’s Hobby airport were delayed after a TSA agent screamed “Shut it down, shut it down, shut it down!” and ordered everyone to clear the area. The culprit, a plastic toy grenade (ed. who makes toy grenades?). This was less than 24 hours after Houston’s other airport, George Bush International, was shut down when an impatient passenger waiting in line to be searched said something about explosives.

The meditation app, Calm, published an audio reading of the European Union’s General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR) narrated by former BBC radio announcer Peter Jefferson to help its subscribers drift off to sleep.

The goalkeeper on the Tunisian World Cup team devised a brilliant scheme to give his ramadan-fasting teammates a quick break at sundown so they could load up on figs and water. He fakes injury.

The Miss America pageant announced that it’s getting rid of the swimsuit competition and will no longer judge contestants based on physical appearance.

Sometimes it feels like fashion designers are playing a joke on us. One side of the world were baffled by Balenciaga’s $1300 shirt-on-a-shirt while the other side of the world is puzzled by Gu’s khaki’s with a codpiece.

80 people lined up to be baptized on Sunday morning at Lake Abaya in Ethiopia. While the second baptism was being conducted, a crocodile leapt from the waters and attacked the pastor killing him. No word on what happened to the remaining 77 prospective converts.

An eight-floor “car vending machine” opened for business in Maryland.

A speed-climbing duo set a new record and scaled the sheer granite face of El Capitan in Yosemite in less than two hours. Pleased with their effort, Alex Honnold, one of the climbers texted “Yay!”

Photo credit: Reddit

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The week that was (06-01-2018)

Arlington National Cemetery, where the US buries its war dead, is running out of room. Already, family members who ask to be buried next to their relatives who have died in the service of their country are being denied and space is being saved by burying relatives in stacks, instead of side by side.

Hormel recalled more than 220,000 pounds of Spam.

A hospital in Scotland is checking in patients who are addicted to checking their cryptocurrency share prices.

It was reported that, “More than 40¢ of every dollar consumers spend on the Internet already goes to Amazon.”

A television evangelist asked his followers for $54 million so he could buy a Dassault Falcon 7X jet (he already has three other private jets). “I really believe that if the Lord Jesus Christ was physically on the Earth today, he wouldn’t be riding a donkey”

The United States Geological Survey reminded everyone that it is not a good idea to roast marshmallows over an open lava pit.

While politics divide us, a 14-year old who set up a twitter account dedicated to getting her favorite band, Weezer, to cover Toto’s Africa brought us together in celebration of her triumph.

A Tesla in autopilot mode crashed into a parked police car in Laguna Beach.

Drought-stricken Cape Town began publishing a map to enable residents to check up on their neighbors’ water usage.

A New Zealand man, frustrated at the lack of attention given to the poor roads in his community found a way to get the city council’s attention. He spray-painted giant, lime green penises around each pothole.

A suspicious package cleared out an area of Atlanta’s busy Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport. Further investigation uncovered the source. A pair of battery-operated vibrating slippers.

Photo credit: Reddit user bgarza18

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The week that was (05-25-2018)

Last week we learned of a 69-year old double amputee that climbed to the summit of Mt. Everest. This week it’s a veteran Sherpa guide who just finished his record 222th time up the mountain.

For the first time in its 226-year history, a woman will lead the New York Stock Exchange. Also, the Fearless Girl statue will be moved from her spot staring down Wall Street’s bronze Charging Bull to a new home facing the New York Stock Exchange.

An estimated 177.7 million U.S. adults, 70.3% of the total population, regularly use another digital device while watching TV.

Last quarter, cinema box office sales were greater in China than in the United States.

A sinkhole opened up on the White House lawn, in front of the press briefing room.

At least 445 billion dollars were lost last year due to cybercrime. Up 30% from just three years ago.

China’s second largest, state-owned bank, offered wealthy clients the opportunity to have dinner with the Donald Trump for $150,000 a ticket.

Two Toronto police officers have been formally charged with eating edibles on duty. The officers were busted back in January when they called for emergency assistance at about 1 a.m. because one of them got stuck in a tree.

A hotel in England finally put an end to a man’s 5-day drug binge when they stopped him while he was carrying a large bag of potatoes up to his room while wearing a bra over his shirt. When asked what he was doing, he responded that he was filling his bathtub with the spuds because, “it felt like the right thing to do at the time.”

Chinese facial-recognition cameras have been working overtime picking out fugitives in the crowds. At a concert one man was picked up when he was leaving a concert. His crime? “Not paying for about $17,000 worth of potatoes he had bought in 2015.”

The DEA has confessed that it raided the wrong house in Tennessee. A father of four says a team busted through the front door, threw flash bangs, knocked pictures off walls, damaged the ceiling and burned holes through clothes and carpet. “I am okay and could have easily been killed just thankful to be alive and my family okay,” he wrote.

Scientists at the Washington Department of Fish and Wildlife have discovered trace elements of the opioid oxycodone present in mussels and other shellfish in the waters off Seattle.

The Journal of Neurosurgery published a paper that finally explained how Michael Jackson was able to lean 45° forward in the Smooth Criminal video.

Photo credit: The Shark from the 1975 Spielberg film ‘Jaws’ (via Reddit)

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The week that was, Royal Wedding edition

The United Kingdom will shut down this weekend for the Royal Wedding. Punters are betting on everything with 2:1 odds that the queen will be wearing a blue hat while the appearance of a white hat is a long 33:1.

While doing research for the wedding, a staff writer for The New Yorker discovered that Her Majesty The Queen, “owns all porpoises, whales, sturgeon, and dolphins that pass within three miles of Britain’s shores.”

Sweden is well on its way to becoming a cashless society. Fewer than half of Swedish banks keep any cash on hand. In other news, thousands of Swedes are implanting microchips under their skin to save having to carry around ID cards.

The city of Chicago is selling more than 3,200 vacant lots on the city’s South and West sides for just $1 each.

A robotic dragon burst into flames during a parade at Disney World. On-lookers, unaware of the calamity, thought the pyrotechnics were all part of the act.

West Japan Railways issued a statement after one of its trains mistakenly departed a station 25 seconds early. The company spokesman said the incident was, “truly inexcusable.”

A family in China was dismayed to discover that their adopted pet dog with a ravenous appetite was, in fact, a bear.

Watching Westworld? UCLA neuroscientists reported Monday that they have transferred a memory from one animal to another via injections of RNA.

A member of the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology skeptical about climate change suggested that perhaps the sea level was rising because of “rocks” in the ocean.

The Michigan Department of Natural Resources is using doughnuts and bacon to lure black bears into an enclosure where they can get a sample of their fur.

Boeing predicts that over the next two decades China will need 110,000 new pilots. To this end, China is buying up flight-instruction schools in the US, Europe, Australia and Canada.

Xia Boyu, a Chinese climber who lost both legs climbing Everest over 40 years ago, successfully summited the mountain at the age of 69.

Photo: Special marmite packaging ready for the royal wedding this weekend

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The week that was (05-11-2018)

California passed the UK to become the 5th largest economy in the world.

An Israeli settlement camp in the West Bank was the first to deploy miniature drones to secure its borders.

Feliks Zemdegs from Australia has broken the world record for solving a Rubik’s cube. He did it in just 4.22 seconds.

It took three months for the Postal Service and UPS to catch on that a man in Chicago had submitted a change of address form to redirect all of UPS’ corporate mail to Apartment L2, 6750 N. Ashland Ave. in Chicago where the resident intercepted, sorted, and cashed $60k in checks meant for UPS.

A man in China accidentally paid over $29,000 for two steamed buns when he entered his PIN instead of approximately 30 cents he owed into Alipay, the mobile payment app he was using.

Detailed radar surveys of Mt. Mantap, the site of North Korea’s underground nuclear test site, revealed that the most recent explosion vaporized granite rock causing a cavity about, “the size of a football stadium” and caused the mountain to collapse into itself.

It was revealed that the iconic cascading green characters shown at the beginning of all Matrix films are just recipes for sushi.

“I was imagining about 100 or 200 people might want to come, not 30,000,” said Laurent Luft, the president of the Paris Naturist Association which organized an art exhibit where you are required to leave your clothes at the door.

Google announced that it has taught a computer to say, “um-hmm” which was heralded as a major leap forward in Artificial Intelligence.

A pitcher for the Red Sox got in trouble after some speculated that his three-hour Fortnite sessions caused carpal tunnel injury endangering his pitching.

China is building high rise buildings to house industrial pig farms.

Photo: Truck carrying chocolate overturned on a Polish highway (NYT)

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