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Prancer

The internet is full of link rot. Things that you point to for their brilliance submerge out of view years later, lost to the sands of time. The wayback machine may be your only salvation but it’s like looking for lost scraps of paper in the attic.

For this reason, I have copy/pasted this bit of internet brilliance below for you to enjoy today and forever. The context is an adoption listing for a 2-year old Chihuahua in a brutally honest Facebook post that went wildly viral.

Ok, I’ve tried. I’ve tried for the last several months to post this dog for adoption and make him sound…palatable. The problem is, he’s just not. There’s not a very big market for neurotic, man hating, animal hating, children hating dogs that look like gremlins. But I have to believe there’s someone out there for Prancer, because I am tired and so is my family. Every day we live in the grips of the demonic Chihuahua hellscape he has created in our home. If you own a Chihuahua you probably know what I’m talking about. He’s literally the Chihuahua meme that describes them as being 50% hate and 50% tremble. If you’re intrigued and horrified at how this animal sounds already, just wait….there’s more. Prancer came to me obese, wearing a cashmere sweater, with a bacon egg n cheese stuffed in his crate with him. I should have known in that moment this dog would be a problem. He was owned by an elderly woman who treated him like a human and never socialized him. Sprinkle in a little genetic predisposition for being nervous, and you’ve concocted a neurotic mess, AKA Prancer. His first week he was too terrified to have a personality. As awful as it sounds, I kind of liked him better that way. He was quiet, and just laid on the couch. Didn’t bother anyone. I was excited to see him come out of his shell and become a real dog. I am convinced at this point he is not a real dog, but more like a vessel for a traumatized Victorian child that now haunts our home. Prancer only likes women. Nothing else. He hates men more than women do, which says a lot. If you have a husband don’t bother applying, unless you hate him. Prancer has lived with a man for 6 months and still has not accepted him. He bonds to a woman/women, and takes his job of protection seriously. He offers better protection than capitol security. This also extends to other animals. Have other dogs? Cats? Don’t apply unless they like being shaken up like a ragdoll by a 13lb rage machine. This may be confusing to people, as he currently lives with my other 7 dogs and 12 cats. That’s because we have somewhat come to an agreement that it’s wrong to attack the other animals. But you know that episode of The Office where Michael Scott silently whispers “I’ll kill you.” to Toby? That’s Prancer having to begrudgingly coexist with everyone when I’m around. We also mentioned no kids for Prancer. I think at this point, you can imagine why. He’s never been in the presence of a child, but I can already imagine the demonic noises and shaking fury that would erupt from his body if he was. Prancer wants to be your only child. So what are his good traits? He is loyal beyond belief, although to tell you a secret his complex is really just a facade for his fear. If someone tried to kill you I can guarantee he would run away screeching. But as far as companionship, you will never be alone again. He likes to go for car rides, he is housebroken, he knows a few basic commands, he is quiet and non destructive when left alone at home, and even though we call him bologna face he is kind of cute to look at. He also “smiles” when he is excited. His ideal home would be with a single woman, a mother and daughter, or a lesbian couple. You can’t live in an apartment or a condo unless you want him to ankle bite your neighbors. We already addressed the men and children situation. If you have people over he would have to be put away like he’s a vacuum. I know finding someone who wants a chucky doll in a dogs body is hard, but I have to try. Prancer is available through Second Chance Pet Adoption League. He is in New Jersey but can be adopted anywhere in the general tri state area. If you’ve always wanted your own haunted Victorian child in the body of a small dog that hates men and children, please email [email protected] Oh, also he’s only 2yrs old and will probably live to be 21 through pure spite, so take that into account if you’re interested.

Second Chance Pet Adoption League

The good news is that Prancer has been adopted and now has his own Instagram account @prancerthechihuahua

Hat-tipping Devon for the pointer.

UPDATE: Prancer is settling in nicely and Buzzfeed sent someone up to New Haven to check in on him.

Categories
Current Events

Scared Kitty

Turn up the volume and find out what scares the kitty so much.
Categories
Current Events

Context

An on-going collection of layout blunders. If you have some to add, link them in the comments.

Contextual targeting a bit on point.
The photo editor is just having fun
Real Estate Irony
When the crime and lifestyle desk don’t talk to each other
Absolutely placed their on purpose

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Current Events

SNL skit becomes reality

In May, there was a Saturday Night Live skit about what might happen if TV reporters started using Snapchat to stream live video.

In today’s BBC, there was this story.

BBC, June 17, 2019
Categories
Office

Citizen WTF?

The Citizen app is available in NYC and the SF Bay Area. The app is designed to alert you when crime happens nearby with location-based push notifications. But, because the platform is crowdsourced, it exposes all the idiosyncratic definitions of “crime” that you would expect from its voyeuristic users.

Here are some of my favorites. If you have a good one, send it my way and I’ll add it.

We used to have Florida Man stories. Now we have Citizen.

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Current Events

No one in the universe reads the terms and conditions

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Current Events

If HAL-9000 was Alexa

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Current Events

Kasou Taishou

We spent this morning looking at YouTube videos of Kasou Taishou. These are short skits that re-create special effects using charmingly amateur stage effects. Think of it as a mashup between traditional Japanese kabuki stage-craft and a high school play.

Add a twist of self-depreciating humor and you’ve got a winner.

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Current Events

Sticks for Sale

Artisanal Firewood made the rounds poking fun at the artisinal trend but in a strange twist, it is now reality in London where a florist is selling a carefully curated selection of sticks just down the block from the park.

What’s next? Bespoke Air?

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Home

The best thing on the Internet today

I’ve already shared this multiple times today but am adding it here so I can refer back when needed.

Media coverage was thick and fast as it was a slow news day in Trumpland and everyone was looking for a bit of comic relief on a Friday after a busy week. Taiwan-based expat Ben Thompson has the best scene-by-scene breakdown.

It had me in tears.

UPDATE: Here’s an interview with the analyst Robert Kelly and his wife Kim Jung-A on the chaos that lead to the “comedy of errors”  and how their life changed when the video received 84 million views