The week that was (08-10-2018)

Two elderly men escaped a nursing home in Germany to go to a heavy metal festival. They were discovered at 3am and were “reluctant to leave” the four-day festival which included bands such as Judas Priest, Hatebreed, In Flames, Running Wild, Arch Enemy, and Eskimo Callboy.

A teenager who really wanted to go to a concert in the next state was arrested for trying to steal a twin-engine jet plane. When asked, the 18-year old said, “he didn’t believe there was much more to the task than pushing buttons and pulling levers.”

A New Zealand man is recovering from injuries sustained while defending a jogger from a herd of hostile cows.

A 9-year-old’s lemonade stand was held up by another boy brandishing a BB gun pistol. He made his getaway on a bicycle. The suspect was later arrested and the local Lowe’s gave the victim a lawn mower for which he had been saving up to buy.

A McDonald’s in the UK refused to serve a woman because she went to its drive-thru window on horseback.  “I can’t serve you, you are not a car” said the worker, citing their drive-thru lane policy.

15-year old Kevin Dimaculangan was crowned the new Microsoft Excel champion. He has his sights set on Word or Powerpoint next.

City government workers in Alaska had to resort to using typewriters and hand-written receipts when dormant ransomware kicked into gear and encrypted nearly all the workstations and most of their servers.

Employees at the National Weather Service were confused when a message in Chinese that translated roughly as, “You have a package from Amazon at the Chinese Embassy, press 1 for more details” boomed over the entire building’s intercom system.

Hackers descended on Las Vegas for the annual DEF CON conference and within hours had already hacked the hotel room thermostats, elevators, and slot machines.

Airbus announced that it has successfully flown an unmanned, solar-powered drone for a record 25 days straight.

A new law in Tennessee will require the national motto, “In God We Trust,” be prominently displayed in all public schools.

Photo credit: posted by Reddit user philiphan25

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The week that was (08-03-2018)

Tesla dipped, every so briefly, into the surfboard business before completely selling out of their limited-edition, carbon-fiber, surfboards.

Thieves kidnapped a shark from the San Antonio Aquarium by wrapping it in a blanket and disguising it as a baby in a stroller. The three-foot horn shark known as “Ms Helen” was found and is now recovering.

Someone had second thoughts about a ring-tailed lemur that they stole from the Santa Ana Zoo and left it in a crate on the doorstep of a Newport Beach hotel with a note asking that it be returned.

A company called We Rent Goats lost track of about 100 goats that wrecked havoc in West Boise, Idaho as they ate their way through a suburban neighborhood.

A sunflower farm in Canada is “closed for good” after Instagrammers overwhelmed their fields in search of the perfect selfie.

Lagunitas, a Northern California brewery purchased last year by Heineken, launched a new line of THC-infused sparkling hop-water drinks, Hi-Fi Hops. “This isn’t some fly-by-night, amateur’s jungle juice. This is contemporary consumer beverage tech mixed into every 12-ounce can, which retails for $8,” says Leafly magazine.

The company behind Canada Dry Ginger Ale is being sued because the soft drink apparently doesn’t contain any ginger.

A young boy’s lemonade stand was shut down by the New York state health department for operating without a permit. The New York Governor offered to pay any fees to re-open Brendan Mulvaney’s front yard stand.

NASA’s TESS (Transiting Exoplanet Survey Satellite) began operations and will head out into deep space in search of life on other planets.

France announced that all students under the age of 15 must leave their cellphones at home or turned off while at school. Meanwhile, the French culture ministry launched an app called Pass Culture which gives each 18-year-old EUR€500 to spend on museums and film.

The New York Mets lost to the Washington Nationals by a staggering 25-4 margin. It was not the worst loss in the franchise’s history.

Photo credit: Reddit user ggfergu

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The week that was (07-27-2018)

A man who vandalized Trump’s Walk of Fame star was bailed out by James Otis, the man who vandalized Trump’s star the last time.

Facing declining profits from cigarette sales, Imperial Brands made its first investment in the marijuana industry. The company behind the Kool and Winston brands, has joined with rap musician Snoop Dogg and actor Patrick Stewart to invest in a British medical marijuana research firm.

A Japanese startup is developing a “shooting stars on demand” service and expects to be ready to deliver the world’s first artificial meteor shower at the 2020 Japan Olympic Games.

The ACLU uploaded 25,000 criminal mugshots into Amazon’s facial recognition software, Rekognition, and ran it against the official photos of all 535 members of Congress, asking for any matches. The software ended up matching 28. Nearly 40 percent of Rekognition’s false matches in the test were of people of color, even though they make up only 20 percent of Congress.

Burberry decided the best way to preserve its brand value was by burning over $38 million of its unsold inventory.

A tortilla chip factory in San Antonio discovered that, if precautions are not taken, their unsold inventory can spontaneously catch fire.

A New Hampshire man was arrested for indecent exposure when he misunderstood his gym’s “judgement free zone” tagline. In Nashville, a man was arrested for doing jumping jacks, naked, in the women’s restroom at McDonald’s.

A University of Iowa football player was arrested for public intoxication after police say he tried to get into a police cruiser, thinking it was his Uber ride.

The California DMV is deciding on the appropriate corrective action after discovering a data operator has been sleeping at her desk for extended periods of time during work hours for the past four years.

Some universities in China have fitness requirements, asking students to log their steps each day with a fitness app. This has spawned a revolution in clever engineering hacks to fool the fitness apps to log steps while they sleep.

A zoo in Egypt is under fire after their zebra’s “stripes” began to run. People are pretty sure it’s a donkey someone painted to look like a zebra.

An Arizona man, who had recently been released from the hospital where he was recovering from a heat-related malady, stole an ambulance because it was too hot to walk. He said he intended to return the ambulance when he was done.

42,000-year old earthworms have revived from their deep freeze in the Siberian permafrost and are now “happily going about their business.”

Photo credit: Reddit user goatious

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The week that was (07-20-2018)

Crowds on South Street in Philadelphia got bored with the simulcast of the World Cup final and turned to re-living their Eagles win the Super Bowl from five months ago instead.

The small town in rural Japan that is the birthplace of something called Ninja Tourism is facing a shortage of Ninjas.

Scientists have detected just enough Cesium-137 radiation in California wines to date wines made before or after the Fukushima nuclear disaster in Japan.

To the surprise and amusement of city workers, the public flower beds in Powell, Wyoming started sprouting marijuana plants. The contraband cannabis plants were, “unknowingly watered and cared for” before they started to leaf out and were immediately recognized.

Donald Trump, fresh off his self-perceived successes with the NATO and Putin meetings in Europe, wants to paint Air Force One red, white, and blue.

Protestors have organized nightly events outside the White House to prevent Trump from getting over his jet lag. So far there has been a mariachi band and opera singers belting out The Star Spangled Banner. Tonight there will be a hip-hop artist and a brass band. The organizer is looking for tap dancers, puppeteers, a professional auctioneer (to verbally reenact outside the White House everything important Trump is giving away to the highest bidder), and bagpipers for the, “most epic bagpipe performance you have ever seen.”

The Brady Bunch house is on sale for the first time in 45 years. $1.85 million if you must ask.

First it was too heavy so they made it longer. Now it’s too long to fit the dock. Total retrofits of the new Spanish submarines will cost upwards of 14 million euros. Someone had put a decimal point in the wrong place, and “nobody paid attention to review the calculations”.

Rodney Smith Jr. finished his challenge of mowing a lawn in every state, for the 2nd year in a row.

Finally, the made-ya-look headline of the week award goes to Nixon Calls For Trump’s Impeachment by NY State of Politics.

Photo credit: Evy Mages at The Washingtonian

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The week that was (Friday the 13th)

The curious, wobbling stagger and irregular flight pattern of seagulls on the coast of England has been attributed to their consumption of the alcohol left in cans discarded on the beach.

Lonnie Perry rented the movie “Ted” in 2014 then he became homeless. He now is facing jail time because of an overdue rental bill.

Blockbuster Video closed its last two stores in Alaska leaving a one final store of the forgotten age, in Bend, Oregon.

A Canadian man placed a 6-year-old McDonald’s hamburger and fries up for auction on eBay. The auction reached $150 before being shut down for violating eBay’s food policy.

We learned that President Trump’s 2020 re-election campaign slogan is the same one as that of a horror movie coming out this summer.

Joe Trillo, a candidate for governor of Rhode Island, started his Sunday sailing his 65-foot motorboat, Lady M, 200 yards from some of Rhode Island’s largest beaches while blasting John Philip Sousa marching songs and flying a giant campaign sign. He finished his Sunday getting rescued by the Coast Guard after his yacht hit a rock and took on water.

A US cargo ship that was steaming full throttle towards China, hoping to deliver its cargo of soybeans before the 25% bump in trade tariffs, didn’t make it.

Honda released a lawnmower that can go 150 miles per hour.

Photo credit: Reddit User: 4chanAD

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The week that was (07-06-2018)

One of France’s most notorious criminals escaped from prison again. This time, on a hijacked helicopter.

“We’re not sure how many there were – there’s not much left of them,” said Sibuya reserve owner Nick Fox about the suspected rhino poachers that were mauled and eaten by lions on the South African game reserve.

A Pennsylvania man finally got around to paying a parking ticket, 44-years later.

An octopus that correctly predicted the outcome of each of Japan’s three World Cup soccer wins was chopped up and sold for food before Japan’s match with Belgium. Japan lost that match and was bumped from the World Cup.

The Japanese fans picked up after themselves as they have been known to do but a FIFA official discovered that the team also left their locker room immaculate earning respect and admiration from everyone.

England made it through to the Round of Eight but apparently England is running out of beer.

Guinness will open its first brewery in the US in more than 60 years, in Baltimore.

The FDA approved the first drug derived from cannabis as a treatment for epilepsy. Rite Aid promptly announced that they will sell Epidiolex when available.

Orange ecstasy pills shaped with the likeness of the US president and stamped with the words “Great Again” have surfaced in Indiana.

“They made me promise I would never do it again, and then sent me on my way with two watermelons,” said a rural Japanese gangster who was caught by local farmers trying to steal their produce. Financially troubled yakuza have been reduced to stealing watermelons and selling branded ashtrays.

A Norwegian Cruise Line crew member who went overboard near Cuba was fished out of the ocean, 22 hours later, by a Carnival Cruise Line ship.

Farmers in South Dakota are looking for their five-ton tractor when it went missing after a powerful tornado swept through their neighborhood.

It was reported that Germany’s combined wind, solar, biomass and hydroelectric power output produced enough renewable energy in the first half of 2018 to power every household in the country for an entire year.

Polish scientists were surprised to receive a monster phone bill when the SIM chip from a GPS tracker they put onto a migratory stork went missing racked up 20 hours’ worth of phone calls.

In the clearest sign yet that Trump is trolling the establishment, his administration put forth the United States Fair and Reciprocal Tariff Act, otherwise known as the US FART act.

Photo credit: Reddit user jcbjstc

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The week that was (06-29-2018)

Trump’s trade war backfired spectacularly when Harley-Davidson announced that it was moving production overseas to avoid crippling tariffs levied by the EU in retaliation.

Shawn Mendes, Bryan Adams, Foo Fighters and the Dave Matthews Band were facing delays because a protected bird built a nest and laid her eggs on the exact spot where construction of the main stage for the Ottawa Bluesfest was due to begin. Two days later, after a special permit from the Canada’s environmental authorities, they were able to move the nest and begin construction.

The NFL’s sole medical degree-holder was denied a request to put “M.D.” after his name on the back of his Kansas City Chiefs jersey.

Hundreds of Iranian soccer fans spent several overnight hours surrounding the hotel where Portugal’s national team was staying. They spent the night making loud noises in an attempt to disrupt their opponents’ sleep before a decisive match.

Masafumi Nagasaki, a hermit who retreated from the Japanese mainland to an isolated island near Taiwan, has been asked to return to civilization to look after his health. Nagasaki-san had been living there since 1989 and spent his days cleaning the beach of his island with a rake while wearing white gloves (and little else).

The first hamburger-making robot opened for business in San Francisco while the robot barista is moving on to version 2.0.

West Japan Railway started regular service between Osaka and Fukuoka on its Hello Kitty bullet train.

“Of course, we chose the cheaper foam agent. That’s how we survived,” said a worker at a Chinese refrigerator factory that was found to be the source of dangerous CFC-11 plume which mysteriously turned up in the atmosphere, threatening the earth’s ozone layer. “They never told us until last year that it was damaging the atmosphere. Nobody came to check what we were using, so we thought it was O.K.” Read the full investigative report by the New York Times who tracked the source of the leak to a single town in China.

Meanwhile, in Alberta, we bring you this“magnificently, almost suspiciously well-edited surveillance footage” of a convenience story robbery gone horribly wrong.

Photo credit: Reddit user Raqped

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The week that was (06-22-2018)

The agency that monitors seismic activity in Mexico said an “artificial quake” was registered in Mexico City, possibly caused by “massive jumps during the goal from the Mexico national soccer team.”

One of the oldest and biggest names in cannabis, High Times, announced that it is officially going public on the NASDAQ.

Multiple people in Michigan received, unprompted, an audio CD of a man telling a story. People were suspicious.

To prevent high school students from cheating on their final exams, the entire nation of Algeria cut off access its access to the internet.

Electricity providers used to have to spend valuable time on bucket trucks to clear debris such as kites, sheets, or parachutes from their power lines. Now they have a high-tech, lightweight (and pretty bad-ass) solution. Flame-thrower drones.

Phillie Phanatic is one of the more annoying team mascots. Especially so to Kathy McVay who was nailed in the face by a duct-tapped hot dog projectile fired from the Phanatic’s hot dog launcher.

Archaeologists began work on digging up the 1969 Woodstock festival site.

Harley-Davidson is selling bicycles. More specifically, a $4200 replica of their 1917 model they built when the company first started.

A jogger, visiting Canada from France, accidentally crossed the border, was apprehended by US Border Patrol, put into the back of a caged vehicle and driven 200 kms away to a DHS processing facility which took two weeks to clear her.

The Pokémon Go game added trading.

Photo credit: reddit user wetbathtub

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The week that was (06-15-2018)

A New York apple orchard was the first to have it’s trees pollinated by unmanned drones.

A shopping mall in China set aside walking lanes for people glued to their phones to keep them from bumping into other shoppers.

Bloomberg writes about a new breed of real estate agents selling virtual plots in Genesis City, a blockchain-based virtual world. Lots go for as much as $200,000, giving birth to a mortgage industry to finance these purchases.

A town in South Wales celebrated going “plastic-free” with a huge banner, made out of plastic.

The group Menage Life failed to break the world record for “the largest orgy in human history” when they couldn’t get enough people to show up.

A raccoon climbing up the outside walls of the UBS Plaza tower in downtown St. Paul, Minnesota was the lead story for most of Tuesday.

While designs for the US/Mexico border wall are still being decided, Australia has just completed installation of the world’s longest cat-proof fence.

Palmer Luckey, the founder of VR firm Oculus and pro-Trump supporter, is working on a virtual border-wall company.

Jamie Dupree, a radio newsman, went back on the air after losing his voice to illness two years ago. He now types into a text-to-speech application that uses years of his archived audio to create his new voice.

A Japanese woman was shocked when her husband, who the family cremated and buried, showed up on her doorstep almost a year later. “The incident is extremely regrettable. We’re determined to prevent a recurrence,” said the Tokyo Metropolitan Police in a statement.

Photo credit: Reuters/Jonathan Ernst

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The week that was (06-08-2018)

Researchers recommended that humming the Spanish dance song Macarena while performing CPR will help keep you on rhythm.

Renovators discovered secret diary written by a worker on the underside of the floorboards at a French chateau uncovered a tale of infidelity and infanticide and gave historians a unique record of village life in the 1880s.

A flight from the Netherlands to Gran Canaria in Spain was diverted for an emergency landing due to a single man’s overpowering smell described as, “chemical weapons-grade stench.”

All flights out of Houston’s Hobby airport were delayed after a TSA agent screamed “Shut it down, shut it down, shut it down!” and ordered everyone to clear the area. The culprit, a plastic toy grenade (ed. who makes toy grenades?). This was less than 24 hours after Houston’s other airport, George Bush International, was shut down when an impatient passenger waiting in line to be searched said something about explosives.

The meditation app, Calm, published an audio reading of the European Union’s General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR) narrated by former BBC radio announcer Peter Jefferson to help its subscribers drift off to sleep.

The goalkeeper on the Tunisian World Cup team devised a brilliant scheme to give his ramadan-fasting teammates a quick break at sundown so they could load up on figs and water. He fakes injury.

The Miss America pageant announced that it’s getting rid of the swimsuit competition and will no longer judge contestants based on physical appearance.

Sometimes it feels like fashion designers are playing a joke on us. One side of the world were baffled by Balenciaga’s $1300 shirt-on-a-shirt while the other side of the world is puzzled by Gu’s khaki’s with a codpiece.

80 people lined up to be baptized on Sunday morning at Lake Abaya in Ethiopia. While the second baptism was being conducted, a crocodile leapt from the waters and attacked the pastor killing him. No word on what happened to the remaining 77 prospective converts.

An eight-floor “car vending machine” opened for business in Maryland.

A speed-climbing duo set a new record and scaled the sheer granite face of El Capitan in Yosemite in less than two hours. Pleased with their effort, Alex Honnold, one of the climbers texted “Yay!”

Photo credit: Reddit

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