The week that was

Shoji Morimoto was the kind of guy who stood back and let others take the initiative. Now he’s leaning into it and renting himself out as the “Do Nothing Rent-a-Man” – @レンタルなんもしない人 (verified!) on Twitter.

A 71-year-old man in Sweden suffered a cardiac arrest while shoveling snow. Someone passing by called for an ambulance and, while it was on the way, a drone flew over to deliver the world’s first defibrillator by air.

Sunnyvale has had enough of the crows so they are deploying lasers.

Dave Bennett was the first person to receive a heart transplant from a pig and he now a new lease on life. It was a ground-breaking operation. Dave also has a criminal record stemming from an assault 34 years ago in which he repeatedly stabbed a young man, leaving him paralyzed.

This week’s crypto story that will not end well is from Ryval, a startup that wants to gamify the court system by allowing investors to buy stock and fund lawsuits.

Schrödinger, the Nobel Prize-winning physicist widely cited as the father of quantum physics, the eponymous cat guy? Turns out he was a pedophile.

Everyone who ever wondered why their Christmas gifts didn’t get through only had to look at the videos out of a Union Pacific rail yard in Los Angeles to see that we have a domestic supply chain issue.

To keep their planes from getting shot out of the air, FedEx is asking the FAA for permission to add anti-missile lasers to their planes.

The week that was

Amazon engineers scrambled to update Alexa’s library of “challenges” when a concerned parent reported the AI assistant suggested sticking a penny in an electrical socket.

A meteor exploded in Pennsylvania with the energy equivalent to 30 tons of TNT.

A three-ton Russian satellite plunged into the Pacific Ocean.

It rained small fish in eastern Texas.

The Taliban ordered shop mannequin beheadings, saying the dummies are ‘idols’ and are forbidden by Islam.

Israeli scientists have figured out how to harness electricity from seaweed.

The Girl Scouts are launching a new cookie. This year you can ask for Adventurefuls.

Sony announced the firmest plans yet for their new electric cars.

Kim Jong-un surprised the world by informing us all that it was actually his dad who invented the burrito.

Tired of unflattering Google search results, the country of Turkey officially changed its name to Turkiye.

A newly discovered species of tree found in the jungles of Cameroon was named after Leonardo DiCaprio.

The week that was

3,837 people accused of witchcraft may be pardoned posthumously centuries after the fact under a new bill put forward in the Scottish parliament.

A global study of the plastic-degrading potential of bacteria found that one in four organisms analysed carried an enzyme that could naturally digest plastic.

The Sami, indigenous people of Northern Norway, famously have 100 different words for the different types of snow. But global warming has brought a new type of freezing rain for which they have no words.

Over 80 died when their overloaded boat sank miles off the coast of northeastern Madagascar. The head of the national police force almost lost his life when his helicopter, which had been investigating the sinking, crashed into the sea. General Serge Gellé and another passenger, swam 12 hours back to shore.

If you’re looking to withdraw from society and wait out the Omicron wave, there’s a opening for a caretaker on small island off the coast of England that might interest you.

Dutch authorities have halted the sale of anti-5G necklaces and bracelets that have been found to be radioactive.

If you always felt the 1960s TV special Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was a bit off, Caitlin Flanagan sticks the knife in and twists. “Santa presides over a nonunion shop where underproducing elves are deprived of breaks and humiliated.”

The week that was

The US is imposing new sanctions on Chinese biotech and surveillance companies involved in the biometric surveillance and tracking of Uyghur Muslims.

The Iranian government vowed to impose sanctions against American entities and individuals involved in police brutality against Black people.

Everybody was reading Renay Mandel Corren’s obituary.

Cracks appeared in Meta’s “warm and fuzzy” depiction of virtual reality as one beta tester reported being groped by a stranger.

Jeff Garlin, an actor in the TV series The Goldbergs, was kicked off the set after HR complaints about his abusive behavior. Garlin’s body double will take his place while Garlin’s face will be digitally superimposed in post-production.

Eric Clapton successfully sued a 55-year old German widow for listing one of her late-husband’s bootleg CDs for $11.

In order to prevent smash-and-grab looting raids, The Grove, a high-end shopping mall in Los Angeles, added fencing that resembles barbed wire to its outdoor decor. “The coil wire is a reasonably new technology in retail crime prevention”

Due to a “lapse of concentration” a trader listed a Bored Ape NFT for a tenth of its market value. The lucky buyer sniped it for the equivalent of $40k and re-listed it for $248k.

Former First Lady Melania Trump proudly listed an NFT that is a watercolor of Melania Trump’s icy glare encoded with an audio recording of Mrs. Trump reciting “a message of hope.” Each piece is available for 1 SOL ($180).

Russian economists have concluded that investing in Lego is more lucrative than investing in gold.

The week that was

A Beijing University shared that Chinese authorities successfully controlled the weather with extensive cloud-seeding operations prior ceremonies commemorating the founding of the Communist Party to “ensure clear skies and low air pollution.”

A Brooklyn neighborhood is at peace again after the source of the high-pitched ‘chirp’ was tracked down to a resident who set up an animal repellent device on his balcony and left town for a couple of weeks.

Amazon’s AWS data center in Virginia was knocked offline for several hours taking down major sites across the internet including everyones Roomba.

The supply chain woes hit the cream cheese market and New Yorkers are freaking out.

Food Guinness World records were broken by an 850-pound pot brownie and, just in case you get the munchies, a 350-pound vegan burger.

The week that was

America’s deadly love-affair with guns was in the news again as a 15-year old took a pistol gifted by his parents to school and shot up his classmates. I normally avoid curating violence but the river of avoidable tragedy was just too much to bear:

Clearly we need to change the culture around gun ownership. For a contrast, here’s what it takes to own a gun in Japan.

In other news:

Officers in Beaverton, Oregon corralled a hamster and took the animal into “protective custody” after pulling over a driver, the hamster’s owner, and arresting her for driving under the influence.

Scotty Thomas, a dump truck driver in Fayetteville, NC, bought a lottery ticket online. Later, forgetting he already bought a ticket, he bought another, with the same numbers. Confused at first when he received two emails saying he had won $25,000/year for life he then realized he bought two tickets that both won.

Twenty years ago Gladys from Florida called Mike in Rhode Island looking for her daughter who lives in Maryland. She was dialing area code 401, instead of 410 and, over the years, as she kept making the mistake, Mike and Gladys struck up a friendship. This year, Mike paid Gladys a visit.

Merriam-Webster selected vaccine as the most popular word of the year. Last year’s most popular word? Pandemic.

A Hong Kong metal band that broke up five years ago has found new popularity. The band’s name is Omicron.

On Friday, a group of 60+ fans gathered at the Tan Hill Inn in Yorkshire, England to hear their favorite Oasis tribute band. During the evening, a blizzard dumped over three feet of snow and kept the whole lot at the Tan Hill Inn overnight and through the weekend.

In Denmark, 25 employees and six customers at an IKEA were forced to spend the night at the store after a snowstorm. The local TV station covering the story shared photos of the “stranded Danes drinking beer and coffee and noshing on cinnamon rolls as they watched soccer together.” No mention of Swedish Meatballs.

IKEA in Tokyo is renting out a “Tiny Home” apartment for the equivalent of $1 USD/month. The 107-square-foot apartment, completely kitted out with IKEA furniture, makes “good use of vertical space.”

Car thieves are using Apple AirTags to track cars they wish to steal. Scoping out desirable cars in a mall parking lot, they slap the AirTag on the car and track them late at night when they can break in under cover of darkness. The article about this trend helpfully advertises a deal on AirTags from Best Buy.

Lawyers representing a company that goes by the name of Bong LLC are suing their NoHo building tenant, a host of underground, semi-commercial parties, because of complaints of “marijuana smoke.”

“Nobody was hurt in the blaze and the status of the snakes remains a mystery” says a report about someone who burned down their house while trying to smoke out a snake infestation.

Making lemonade out lemons, Trump’s former personal attorney, Michael Cohen, is minting NFTs out of his federal prison badge and putting them up for sale at Miami’s Art Basel.

The week that was

A working Apple-1 computer in a rare wooden case was sold at an auction for half a million dollars. The 44-year old computer was purchased for $650.

Angelo Fregolent parked his Lancia Fulvia 1962 in 1974 and left the car there for 47 years. It has since become a local landmark.

Glen de Vries, who recently blasted off into space with William Shatner died in a small plane accident in Sussex County, New Jersey.

105-year-old Julia ‘Hurricane’ Hawkins set a new track-and-field record for the 100-meter and is set to go against her rival, Diane “Flash” Friedman. Heather Hann ran a 10k in 40:04 to break the Guinness World Record for running while pushing a stroller. Alyssa Clark broke a Guinness World Record by running 95 marathons in 95 consecutive days.

A woman visiting the Bronx Zoo climbed over the barrier near the lion exhibit, threw money in the air and exclaimed, “King, I love you, I came back for you.”

Arby’s is coming out with a curly fries-flavored vodka.

The week that was

“Those celebrating Pakistan’s victory will face sedition,” warned the chief minister of India’s northern state of Uttar Pradesh after Pakistan defeated India at the Twenty20 World Cup.

A group of crypto investors are buying 40 acres of land in Wyoming to establish a blockchain-based city.

Scientists discovered water in a galaxy 12.8 billion light years away.

While other nations were discussing climate change in Glasgow, Ireland calculated that it would need to cull up to 1.3 million cattle to meet greenhouse gas limitations.

What’s a nuclear reactor’s worst enemy? Jellyfish.

A team from the University of Utah has found a way to restore sight to the blind by combining a brain implant with a pair of camera glasses.

New Jersey’s Democratic state senate president for the past 11 years lost his seat to a Republican furniture store truck driver who spent less than $10,000 on his campaign.

A publisher of scientific research was forced to retract 40 recently published papers after admitting they were “nothing more than garbled jargon.”

The Mayor Elect of New York City committed to get his first three paychecks in crypto-currency to encourage an industry founded on de-centralization to centralize in NYC.

An alleged Capitol Insurrection rioter who put his house on Zillow was hauled in for further questions after FBI agents zoomed in on his whiteboard which listed “numerous firearms listed and explosive devices.”

The week that was

Astronomers have detected mysterious radio waves from the center of the galaxy that vary dramatically and “seem to shut off at random.” Let’s hope it’s not another microwave.

Tesla stock had a good week and is now more valuable than all other car manufacturers combined. Elon Musk, a majority shareholder, is now the richest man in the world. 

A French sailor is gearing up to take a run at breaking the speed record for a sailboat. The last record was 65 knots using foiling boards. Alex Caizergues, is hoping to break 80 knots with a kite pulling a surface-skimming trimaran.

A man spent over $57k on a single Pokémon card. The Justice Department news release was stingy on details. The man was getting hauled in because that money was most of his Covid business loan.

The Taiwan Army is building mechanical exoskeletons for their soldiers so they can “run faster and carry heavy objects with ease.” The gear should also come in handy if they have to fight with the People’s Liberation Army who apparently also is giving exoskeletons to its troops too.

Buzzfeed deleted all images on its site from before 2015 to ward off claims of copyright infringement. They even purged the images on the post, 23 images that need to be deleted from the internet.

Walmart recalled bottles of the Better Homes and Gardens Essential Oil Infused Aromatherapy Room Spray with Gemstones because it contains a “rare and dangerous” bacteria that causes “a condition that is difficult to diagnose and can be fatal” and also killed two people.

City officials in Austin attempted to mow a man’s lawn and were met with aggression and firearms. SWAT was called in, the man’s home caught on fire, he was shot and later died.

University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School of business is now offering an Economics of Blockchain and Digital Assets program and, yes, you can pay tuition in crypto.

Scientists are using artificial intelligence to suggest unique chemical combinations for new types of batteries.

After formally recognizing animals as sentient beings under UK law back in May, the United States is now recommending similar legal protection, specifically for Pablo Escobar’s pet hippos.

The week that was

A small town in Tennessee put itself up for sale for $725,000.

The NYC Board of Health declared racism a public health crisis.

Propagandists in China are blaming Covid on imported lobsters from Maine.

Apple unveiled a $19 polishing cloth.

Nokia launched a new phone that you can buy for $80.

Some defendants charged with storming the U.S. Capitol are representing themselves in court. One said the law didn’t apply to her and another presented the court with a schedule of fees for his services.

A yoga teacher and four students had to be rescued after they drifted out to sea while meditating on their paddle boards.

New Zealand laid off a wizard who had been on the public payroll for the past two decades.

Kellogg’s is being sued because the fruit filling in Kellogg’s Whole Grain Frosted Strawberry Toaster Pastries does not have enough strawberry.

A fake startup in the UK hired influencers to promote it, created t-shirts and swag, held a party, “launched,” then vanished with $500k from its swindled investors. The company was called, CryptoEats.

The price of gasoline hit $7.59/gallon at one town in California.

Chevron announced it will reduce emissions by using solar and wind to power its pumps and drills.

A steel mill in Colorado will get most of its power from an array of 750,000 solar panels.

Scholars finally know why John Steinbeck scrawled the word “Slut” in big letters at the end of his manuscript for The Grapes of Wrath.